Post 99

August 26th, 2010

This the magic 99th post on this blog. I have wittered on left, right and centre about my mental health and the state of the world (both equally fucked up I might add.) I don’t have anything earth shatteringly important to write. I am just waiting for the newly introduced and recently increased dose of Quetiapine to kick in some so I can sleep and not have to take a Zopiclone at the same time because god knows I am zombie like enough during the day without adding any more shit to the mix.

So, yeah. I saw my nice Pdoc last Wednesday, It was a major effort to get out of the house but I did it because I don’t want to be stuck here forever. I explained to him that the screaming voices had pretty much calmed down for the most part but I do still get the odd episode which is most disconcerting. I then went on to tell him about the world and it’s mother being out to get me. I told him how I had retreated from the on-line world I used to love so much. I now just feel like it’s another way for the MAN to spy on me. I have put out innocuous teasers like the odd video from You Tube on Facebook and I tweeted my entry in @kazcita very special #cockoff contest that runs for the duration of The X Factor. Basically she chooses two different celebs on a Saturday Lunchtime and then you tweet back your vote for the biggest Cock of the pair and the one with the most votes goes through to the next round.

I am sat here just going back through this post correcting the twenty or so supposed spelling mistakes with the Firefox dictionary tool and it really did occur to me that I am stupid in thinking that anything I do will stop people from finding me out. I doomed anyway I turn. This blog is hardly anonymous and is ranked up there when you Google my name you can find me any number of ways. I still post here just so anyone who is interested knows I am still alive and am not curled up in the foetal position under the table in the kitchen hiding from the little green men that are coming to get me.

I should be proud of myself I ran from my front door to the end of the street to the post box today unaccompanied. I was positive that all the cars parked were full of people watching me and when one guy pulled into the street and parked right in front of the postbox as I was posting my letters was a Government inspector come to catch me out for something. “Big Brother IS Watching”

On that rather sinister note I leave you as it’s now 3am and I really must try and get some sleep so I can feel crappy tomorrow… I really am enjoying life at the moment…. honestly

Until Next Time…

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Hiding Away.

August 15th, 2010

It has to be said that I am not a great out-doorsey kind of person. Given the choice of a nice ramble in the great wilds of Northamptonshire and sitting in a darkened room playing with the internet, I think you know where you’ll find me. I went on a school camp once and got blisters on the first two mile hike we took and spent the next three days looking after base camp and helping with the cooking for the rest of the class, I loved it.

Fast forward twenty years, to the past few weeks and I find myself STUCK inside. This is no common or garden not wanting to go out, this is a fear inducing paranoia slamming hatred of going out. I have been out maybe three times in the past 3-4 weeks. Twice to a relaxation group and once to a shop for milk… and I may be misremembering the milk trip.

I know what I am thinking sounds incredibly stupid and I have been told that what my delusions and paranoia stem from is totally unreasonable but still it’s there and as soon as the door opens I know with all my heart and all my twisted mind that I am being watched and spied on. When I wake up in the morning, someone has usually opened the blinds in the front room. Usually it’s mum waiting for her taxi to work or it’s us waiting for some shopping to be delivered. My computer sits right in place that it puts me in front of that exposed window. PEOPLE CAN NOW SEE ME! Well not if I re-close the blinds they can’t… and that’s what I do, before I even cross in front of them I close them again. It must infuriate Mum and my wife. I live like a vampire by choice the get it by default through living with me.

I have tried to explain to them what happens when I go out and how I feel and while they make the right noise and sympathise I am not sure I have done enough to make them understand what really goes on. I mentioned earlier that I had been out two or maybe three times in the past few weeks. The first time I went out was to a non existent Relaxation group. It had been cancelled but no one had thought to ring the attendees and tell them it had been cancelled. This left me outside and to my mind exposed to anyone who passed by. I was taken aback by the group being cancelled mostly and then the realisation that I was stood in the street like a shop window dummy finally hit and I became very self concious that anyone who wanted to follow me and keep track of me could now do this as I was stranded.

Let me take a moment to explain what’s actually going on in my head…

When I am out I think I know people are following me and watching me for various purposes. They are watching me to catch me out. Trying to catch me from claiming benefits, from having a diagnosis, from generally being me while outside the house. There has been a hell of a lot in the press in the UK about the Government wanting to cut the social fund bill. Cuts everywhere… the schools are being threatened the hospitals and healthcare are being threatened and as of late the Benefits system and it’s users are being targeted. Basically the government are wanting to get the money spent on Benefits down and they are going about it in many ingenious ways. The latest is getting your neighbours to spy on neighbours and report anyone who looks like a benefits cheat. Being paranoid like I am I am sure that half of my neighbours are just waiting for that cash incentive to grass me up. I have no inside knowledge that the government are going to offer “Incentives” to get people to report on people, but it’s only a matter of time.

The “sick” thing about all of this paranoia is that I know it’s totally irrational, and I know people have better things to do that watch me stand on a street corner waiting for a cab. I know that closing my blinds all day is more likely to attract more attention than not. It’s just that I can’t shake this over reaching gut feeling that something bad is about to happen to me and I don’t really want to be around when it does. I am being robbed of my life by my brain and it’s chemical imbalances. The support worker at the place where I go for my relaxation group asked if I needed an appointment to talk through anything…. I said no because it was just one more excuse NOT to go out and expose myself to the world.

I know this behaviour is totally irrational… and that’s the crazy thing… I don’t know how to change my way of thinking. When I had my first lot of anxiety sessions I had it all worked out and I did really well for a few months hell close to a year I was doing really well but now it’s all gone to shit and I am lost and stuck again.

One thing is really bugging me though…. I have no way of “safely” getting my next issue of Doctor Who Magazine from town next Thursday as Linda goes back to work next Wednesday. See…. Sad or what?

Until Next Time…


Currently Listening to: Fleetwood Mac - The Dance
Current Mood: Safe Indoors
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The Big ‘Orra

August 9th, 2010

It had to hit eventually, the thing I probably hate most about being a blogger. I ran out of shit to talk about and I got myself all worked up and when I thought I had something to write I couldn’t get the words out. Writers Block I suppose you’d call it. I am sat here now at nearly 2am on Monday morning just sitting here and blurbing out whatever comes to mind… Nothing new there then.

I have been mostly depressed for the past few weeks. I have been sleeping a lot, staying up late talking to friends on Instant Messenger services, drinking more coffee than is probably good for me and generally NOT taking care of myself. I have mentally let myself go, and the results aint pretty. The rabid voices I was hearing daily have no regressed back to every other day. I have given up on contacting my CMHT because they basically said last time there was very little they could do for me and just to take two weeks worth of Lorazapam. It didn’t help much seeing as I was taking extra Lorazapam for about a month before hand. I see my Pdoc again on the 18th (I think) and I will bring it up then and see what he says. I feel something has to be done or else what’s the point in taking drugs that aren’t doing the full job. Now, don’t get me wrong… I take the pills because for the most part they work, they just aren’t doing the full job… a change needs to be made. I would hate to think how bad I would be without the drugs. I know my family would end up abandoning me.

I haven’t been to my relaxation group for a couple of weeks… one week because I hadn’t slept for 36 hours and was afraid I wouldn’t make it through the hour long session without going comatose and last week it was cancelled due to a birthday. I missed it and have been listening to the music the facilitator uses during each meeting.

Here is a little acting lesson for you. Way back at the beginning of the 20th century there was this Russian dude called Stanislavsky who thought that the then modern staged theatre very stayed and blocky so he developed a set of excersizes that would aid an actor reach a more truthful portrayal of a character. Most people now now this as THE METHOD, as in Method Acting like Robert De Niro and Al Pacino. One of the most famous excersizes that came from the Method is called Emotional Memory. EM is where you take a thought which gave you a certain feeling and recall that moment and thus that feeling when portraying it in character. I hated doing this when I was an actor because it invariably wipes you out emotionally for ages after and I found it hard to break character anyway so having all this added emotional bullshit going on was a pain in the arse.

This explanation is just to tell you that the music that is played during the relaxation group meeting has become so associated with relaxing for me that usually all it takes is 5 or 10 minute listening to that and the edge has been taken off what ever stress is bugging me, that in and of itself has made sitting through the hour long navel gazing groups worthwhile. I say navel gazing, I don’t mean that as a bad thing. I really enjoy the groups but it does feel a little self indulgent that I get to take that time out each week and be selfish and just relax.

On that last note of old twaddle I will leave you with these two rather funny videos starring Punt and Dennis.

World Of Wine Part 1

World Of Wine Part 2

Until Next Time…

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Screaming

July 9th, 2010

Here I am! You can stop looking for me now.

You see it all began the day before the England Vs. Germany World Cup second round match. I was sat at my computer (all was normal) and then from out of no where the screaming began. It was like a dog howling against a babies whiny wail. And fuck me it was loud. At first I thought it was outside and a physical noise. Maybe next door had gotten his knob stuck in the door jam. I put up with it for about an hour and then had to break down and ask if anyone else heard the noise and no one did I knew I was up shit creak with out a paddle. I put my headphones in and they have pretty much been there ever since. That’s going on 12 days now. I have had intermittent breaks from the noise but they are VERY few and far between. In the quieter moments I have been able to get stuff done but it’s not been quiet enough for long enough to write anything.

I haven’t been to bed before 2am in the past 2 weeks and it’s starting to get me down. I have to wait until I am physically exhausted to get my ass to bed. Tonight it doesn’t look like sleep is coming any time soon. So I sit and listen to Lynryd Skynyrd and write away hoping that something makes sense when I read it back… if it doesn’t you know I failed.

I have started going back to my relaxation group as of Wednesday. After speaking to the duty Social Worker of Thursday and quite frankly not getting very far (an increase in my Lorazapam for two weeks… i had been doing that for the past month anyway). She suggested I get into with the local support group that helped me with the anxiety issues and that hold the relaxation groups and discussion groups I used to go to before my latest meltdown pulled me back into my shell. I had just gotten a letter that morning from them informing me off a discussion group coming up in the next couple of weeks. I REALLY didn’t want to go to that as I am sure that one day I am going to get up in some ones face and lose any entitlement I have to go there. They have been really great with me and the one lady who I deal with on a regular basis has been amazing and has gotten me to do things that no one else has been able to. Anyway I phoned her up and left a message on the machine asking her to get in touch with me. and an hour later she called and it was like I hadn’t really dropped of the face of the planet as far as the Groups were concerned and I was invited back to the relaxation group the following Wednesday (i.e. this week) and that was that. She asked if I would like to come into have a chat and a coffee and at that time I was so sick of myself I didn’t want to inflict myself on any one else.

Another thing that the Duty Social worker suggested was going back to the relaxation lessons I had learnt and try and put them into practice. Now every single night I am in bed and I can’t sleep I sub consciously go through the Auto Genic relaxation method, which takes each part of your body and relaxes it and unwinds you. By the time I get to my shoulders I am usually asleep and off for a good couple of hours. Anyway we had been given the CD’s to use at home that we use in the relaxation group. I had converted mine and put it on my iPod to use in case of emergency. This was such and occasion and I have to say that sitting up in my room with just and my iPod i felt totally relaxed and screaming free for a couple of hours afterwards.

Anyway I have spent nearly two hours writing this crap I am going to go and try and get some sleep before my eye test at 10.30am.

Until Next Time…

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Benefits and Me

June 23rd, 2010

This post has been inspired by yesterdays Budget and the proposal to medically assess all existing and new DLA (Disability Living Allowance) as of 2013/14. I could go on for hours about the politics of it but as I have said before I suck at writing about Politics so I am taking a look at how the changes will affect me.

Read on old chap….. »


Currently Listening to: Prog Rock Classics
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Hello Lungs

June 17th, 2010

Here I am sat writing again at close to 3am because of my health. This time I have a killer cough that woke me up at 2am last night and it wasn’t until I took Night Nurse to ease the cough that I got any sleep. I’d take some more tonight but I have to be up in 5 hours to get ready to go to a Diabetes check up at my Doctors surgery. I pretty much know what is going to be said there as I had my Byetta check up on Tuesday and I know that my H-test score is down by 1 point to just over 9 which is what the specialist wanted when I started on the injections, but I am not losing weight fast enough for my liking. I feel like I have lost more weight that the scales actually show me losing. I had only lost 4 pounds in the past two months. I was hoping for at least half a stone in that time. I guess it just means I am going to have to start doing something physical on a regular basis that doesn’t just involve me getting up from in front of the computer and going to make a coffee..yaboosucks.

I am still having major problems with my moods. I seem to be constantly down and miserable. I caught myself starting to scratch my arm yesterday and stopped myself before I did any damage but it was scary that my head was in that harming place. It seems that any little thing can set me off and when something kind of large happens that’s it for the foreseeable future. Modesty forbids me in relating what happened this time. This blog is too open for me to go into details but needless to say I was let down and it hurt a lot. I find that the drugs are not helping but I see no possible help in changing them. I seem to have exhausted my Pdoc’s casebook and although he does tweak what I am on he is reluctant to change anything or try something new. It’s always the same comment. I can’t take one drug because I have Diabetes and all the drugs I haven’t tried and would most likely do me more good mentally are bad for my weight gain (which as I have mentioned before is non existent. I have gained a pound of weight in over 18 months).
I would love to try Seroquel as everywhere I turn in the Madosphere I hear good things about it. It has some nasty side effects like weight gain and over sedating, but then again I haven’t had any problems with any other drug in regards to sedation. The only one that gives me any respite from the Insomnia is Zopiclone, but that’s designed to do that so it doesn’t count. If I could start again with my drugs I would like to be as aggressive as possible to start with and not have to go into the long battle like I am doing at the moment with the massive amount of drugs I am taking at the moment.

Daily Pills

This is a pretty crappy shot of my daily pill intake

One of these days I will properly list what I am on so I have a record of what i take and don’t have to rely on Linda to make up my pills each week. God knows what I would do without her. I’d have to make up my own pills which would lead to many mistakes which would lead to missed doses which in turn would lead to many more crazy attacks which in turn would lead to my probably ending up in hospital or jail which ever caught me first. So ya see my wife is a godsend and without her I am much less of a man.

Oh well I have rambled on enough. I may just take myself off to bed for a couple of hours so I don’t look like a complete zombie when I get to the Doctors.

Until Next Time…

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I know how the Wicked Witch felt

June 5th, 2010

It’s seems that Summer has finally arrived and I fucking hate it, hate it with a passion. I hate to feel over heated all the time to have my arms stick to my sides when I take of my shirt. The only positives of the heat is….. oh wait there are NO fucking positives.

On to other non moany stuff, it’s been a strange week around here. I have been playing Florence Nightingale… yes that’s right folks I have been prancing around in a nurse outfit and getting my jollies off. No seriously. Linda had surgery on her shoulder this week and has been rendered almost incapable of doing anything that requires two hands. So I have been running around doing my best to make sure she is comfortable. It’s no mean feat when she is such an independent person who thinks she is Supergirl and can do shit for herself. As the days go by she is getting more use back in her arm and consequently more more use she gets the more pain she is in. So my work won’t be done for a couple more weeks (at least until she gets her stitches out in 10 days time.

Oh Yeah… some one is having a Bar-B-Q outside my fucking window and the smells are driving me nuts. It’s a smell that reminds me of better days. This particular smell reminds me of August 19th 1999 when i went to see Bon Jovi at the Milton Keynes Bowl. We stopped at a pub and they had Bar-B-Q food for sale there and damn if it didn’t smell and taste the best food I had ever eaten. It’s little memories like that that make a First Concert experience special and unforgettable.

Health wise for me… I am doing OK I suppose. My depression is being forced to the back of my mind as I have so much on my mind to keep Linda from doing more damage to herself. But it’s there and at 4am when I am waiting for Linda to need help out of bed or an escort downstairs so she can have a smoke, the blues rear their ugly heads and not much can shift it until I am called into action again. I am tired a lot of the time and I must admit that I got up at 7am this morning and waited for Mum to come down and I went back to bed and didn’t surface again till 13.30 and I no have a heat headache because a, I slept to long and b, it’s frikken hot here

Oh well it’s Doctor Who time.. time to wake the troops for a trip to see Vincent Van Gogh and some crazy alien of the week.

Stay cool and Stay safe

Until Next Time…

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Limbo

May 27th, 2010

I am having my ass kicked by depression again. I slammed into that brick wall yesterday afternoon and I have felt black and blue ever since. I got about two hours sleep and it was broken sleep at that. My motivation and enthusiasm for anything is gone. I have tried watching two films so far since 4am and I got about twenty minutes into each of them and I lost the plot.

What I don’t get is that I take my pills and injections every day. I take them religiously and hardly ever miss a dose yet still I get these overwhelming dark periods. I honestly thought that taking these pills would help. I guess after 6 years I should know better. I feel like giving up and going non medication and seeing if that works for me. I honestly, at this point in time, don’t see how it could get any worse.

Why does it get harder with time? Why do things never seem to get any better? Just Why?

Until Next Time…

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Last week

May 19th, 2010

I spent most of last week hiding out. The depression was kicking my ass big time and it was a sucky way to spend my birthday week, timing was never my strong suit. I had my discussion group on Monday which went well, lots to talk over and really engaging debate. By the end of the meeting I had kind of decided that I wouldn’t be attending this weeks meeting as the topics being discussed would probably trigger my depression even more. The main topic of conversation this week was to be the new Coalition Government and what they would do for us as a community. As I mentioned last week, it was suggested that I was in a Post Election Slump and I think going over all the bollocks that has been spouted the past ten days would just piss me off even more, so I skipped it.

I didn’t leave the house between Monday and Friday, and then it was only because I had a psych appointment. I was a little surprised at how quickly I got this appointment. I usually have to wait 3 to 4 months between appointments, this one was just 7 weeks between them. I think it goes back to the failed Promazine trial. That failed so hard it actually hurt inside. I was put onto Lorazapam again and the rage depleted somewhat and turned into depression. From one extreme to the other. I am getting better at handling depression. I now just take it on the chin and ride the storm. I go quiet and listen to my music and hope that everyone leaves me alone. I am twistedly happy in my little depressed world. I do feel sorry for those around me as they are having to tread on eggshells all the time, but they are getting good at treading on them with cutting their feet.

Anywho my psych appointment. I went in their depressed and came out with a little more hope in the world. During all the change over between Promazine and Lorazapam someone in the chain of prescriptions and faxes had screwed up big time. When I was taken off the Promazine my next repeat came in with no Lorazapam but with another drug that had a similar name Promethazine. While this drug would not have had any adverse reaction to my taking it, it’s a scary fucking thought that some dumb fuck can misread a clearly written fax and prescribe the wrong drugs to a mentally ill person. I am fortunate that I have Linda to take care of my medication. I think if I had been taking sole care of the drugs I don’t think I would have been as observant. We spent nearly two weeks trying to get to the bottom of who had made the foobar and to see if this was actually a sanctioned change from my Psych. I googled the drug as soon as we noticed and it would have done nothing for me and we were at a loss at to why the psych would have prescribed it. We finally got the answer at Fridays appointment and I don’t think teh psych was to pleased with the chain of events. He said he was going to look into the mix up. I don’t know if he will but I had a word with my GP about it on Monday and it wasn’t him that did the changes to the repeat but then again he didn’t say who did make the changes so no Holy Fires Of Retribution for me to deal out.

Back to the Psych on Friday, he was a bit concerned that my depression was lasting longer and longer and the cocktail not working to well. He didn’t want to change any of the mood stabilisers as they “seem to be doing a job” but he did increase my Mirtazapine to 45mg a day to see if that would do anything. Taking a look at how I have been since Friday I think it has had a positive effect on me as I haven’t been as dark and I haven’t been wallowing in Pink Floyd Land for the past few days. I am currently In John 5 Land which is DIRTY NASTY guitar rock and roll.

John 5

I have no idea how long I’ll have to wait for my next appointment but as always he said that if I need to, I can call him any time.

Any that’s it from me I am off to cook up some Pasta and sauce for dinner.

Until Next Time…


Currently Listening to: John 5 - Remixploitation
Current Mood: Hungry
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St**ie N**ks is driving me nuts

May 19th, 2010

I tell ya every day I look at my daily stats and it’s the same fucking thing bring people to this blog… a picture of Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham. Month after month it’s the same thing. I’d take it down but then the post would look odd. I have had one comment from someone who went looking for SN and found this website and they left a wicked comment and it was really encouraging to read that some one had gotten something from the website apart from seeing a semi naked Stevie Nicks picture. Here is the post that has the picture.

I have been through all the codex trying to work out how to exclude that one image from search results, but nothing is coming back to help me. I shall ask my brother to see what he thinks.

That is all… just wanted a rant.

I’ll post again tomorrow about last weeks Pdoc appointment

Until Next Time…

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