Screaming

July 9th, 2010

Here I am! You can stop looking for me now.

You see it all began the day before the England Vs. Germany World Cup second round match. I was sat at my computer (all was normal) and then from out of no where the screaming began. It was like a dog howling against a babies whiny wail. And fuck me it was loud. At first I thought it was outside and a physical noise. Maybe next door had gotten his knob stuck in the door jam. I put up with it for about an hour and then had to break down and ask if anyone else heard the noise and no one did I knew I was up shit creak with out a paddle. I put my headphones in and they have pretty much been there ever since. That’s going on 12 days now. I have had intermittent breaks from the noise but they are VERY few and far between. In the quieter moments I have been able to get stuff done but it’s not been quiet enough for long enough to write anything.

I haven’t been to bed before 2am in the past 2 weeks and it’s starting to get me down. I have to wait until I am physically exhausted to get my ass to bed. Tonight it doesn’t look like sleep is coming any time soon. So I sit and listen to Lynryd Skynyrd and write away hoping that something makes sense when I read it back… if it doesn’t you know I failed.

I have started going back to my relaxation group as of Wednesday. After speaking to the duty Social Worker of Thursday and quite frankly not getting very far (an increase in my Lorazapam for two weeks… i had been doing that for the past month anyway). She suggested I get into with the local support group that helped me with the anxiety issues and that hold the relaxation groups and discussion groups I used to go to before my latest meltdown pulled me back into my shell. I had just gotten a letter that morning from them informing me off a discussion group coming up in the next couple of weeks. I REALLY didn’t want to go to that as I am sure that one day I am going to get up in some ones face and lose any entitlement I have to go there. They have been really great with me and the one lady who I deal with on a regular basis has been amazing and has gotten me to do things that no one else has been able to. Anyway I phoned her up and left a message on the machine asking her to get in touch with me. and an hour later she called and it was like I hadn’t really dropped of the face of the planet as far as the Groups were concerned and I was invited back to the relaxation group the following Wednesday (i.e. this week) and that was that. She asked if I would like to come into have a chat and a coffee and at that time I was so sick of myself I didn’t want to inflict myself on any one else.

Another thing that the Duty Social worker suggested was going back to the relaxation lessons I had learnt and try and put them into practice. Now every single night I am in bed and I can’t sleep I sub consciously go through the Auto Genic relaxation method, which takes each part of your body and relaxes it and unwinds you. By the time I get to my shoulders I am usually asleep and off for a good couple of hours. Anyway we had been given the CD’s to use at home that we use in the relaxation group. I had converted mine and put it on my iPod to use in case of emergency. This was such and occasion and I have to say that sitting up in my room with just and my iPod i felt totally relaxed and screaming free for a couple of hours afterwards.

Anyway I have spent nearly two hours writing this crap I am going to go and try and get some sleep before my eye test at 10.30am.

Until Next Time…

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Benefits and Me

June 23rd, 2010

This post has been inspired by yesterdays Budget and the proposal to medically assess all existing and new DLA (Disability Living Allowance) as of 2013/14. I could go on for hours about the politics of it but as I have said before I suck at writing about Politics so I am taking a look at how the changes will affect me.

Read on old chap….. »


Currently Listening to: Prog Rock Classics
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Hello Lungs

June 17th, 2010

Here I am sat writing again at close to 3am because of my health. This time I have a killer cough that woke me up at 2am last night and it wasn’t until I took Night Nurse to ease the cough that I got any sleep. I’d take some more tonight but I have to be up in 5 hours to get ready to go to a Diabetes check up at my Doctors surgery. I pretty much know what is going to be said there as I had my Byetta check up on Tuesday and I know that my H-test score is down by 1 point to just over 9 which is what the specialist wanted when I started on the injections, but I am not losing weight fast enough for my liking. I feel like I have lost more weight that the scales actually show me losing. I had only lost 4 pounds in the past two months. I was hoping for at least half a stone in that time. I guess it just means I am going to have to start doing something physical on a regular basis that doesn’t just involve me getting up from in front of the computer and going to make a coffee..yaboosucks.

I am still having major problems with my moods. I seem to be constantly down and miserable. I caught myself starting to scratch my arm yesterday and stopped myself before I did any damage but it was scary that my head was in that harming place. It seems that any little thing can set me off and when something kind of large happens that’s it for the foreseeable future. Modesty forbids me in relating what happened this time. This blog is too open for me to go into details but needless to say I was let down and it hurt a lot. I find that the drugs are not helping but I see no possible help in changing them. I seem to have exhausted my Pdoc’s casebook and although he does tweak what I am on he is reluctant to change anything or try something new. It’s always the same comment. I can’t take one drug because I have Diabetes and all the drugs I haven’t tried and would most likely do me more good mentally are bad for my weight gain (which as I have mentioned before is non existent. I have gained a pound of weight in over 18 months).
I would love to try Seroquel as everywhere I turn in the Madosphere I hear good things about it. It has some nasty side effects like weight gain and over sedating, but then again I haven’t had any problems with any other drug in regards to sedation. The only one that gives me any respite from the Insomnia is Zopiclone, but that’s designed to do that so it doesn’t count. If I could start again with my drugs I would like to be as aggressive as possible to start with and not have to go into the long battle like I am doing at the moment with the massive amount of drugs I am taking at the moment.

Daily Pills

This is a pretty crappy shot of my daily pill intake

One of these days I will properly list what I am on so I have a record of what i take and don’t have to rely on Linda to make up my pills each week. God knows what I would do without her. I’d have to make up my own pills which would lead to many mistakes which would lead to missed doses which in turn would lead to many more crazy attacks which in turn would lead to my probably ending up in hospital or jail which ever caught me first. So ya see my wife is a godsend and without her I am much less of a man.

Oh well I have rambled on enough. I may just take myself off to bed for a couple of hours so I don’t look like a complete zombie when I get to the Doctors.

Until Next Time…

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I know how the Wicked Witch felt

June 5th, 2010

It’s seems that Summer has finally arrived and I fucking hate it, hate it with a passion. I hate to feel over heated all the time to have my arms stick to my sides when I take of my shirt. The only positives of the heat is….. oh wait there are NO fucking positives.

On to other non moany stuff, it’s been a strange week around here. I have been playing Florence Nightingale… yes that’s right folks I have been prancing around in a nurse outfit and getting my jollies off. No seriously. Linda had surgery on her shoulder this week and has been rendered almost incapable of doing anything that requires two hands. So I have been running around doing my best to make sure she is comfortable. It’s no mean feat when she is such an independent person who thinks she is Supergirl and can do shit for herself. As the days go by she is getting more use back in her arm and consequently more more use she gets the more pain she is in. So my work won’t be done for a couple more weeks (at least until she gets her stitches out in 10 days time.

Oh Yeah… some one is having a Bar-B-Q outside my fucking window and the smells are driving me nuts. It’s a smell that reminds me of better days. This particular smell reminds me of August 19th 1999 when i went to see Bon Jovi at the Milton Keynes Bowl. We stopped at a pub and they had Bar-B-Q food for sale there and damn if it didn’t smell and taste the best food I had ever eaten. It’s little memories like that that make a First Concert experience special and unforgettable.

Health wise for me… I am doing OK I suppose. My depression is being forced to the back of my mind as I have so much on my mind to keep Linda from doing more damage to herself. But it’s there and at 4am when I am waiting for Linda to need help out of bed or an escort downstairs so she can have a smoke, the blues rear their ugly heads and not much can shift it until I am called into action again. I am tired a lot of the time and I must admit that I got up at 7am this morning and waited for Mum to come down and I went back to bed and didn’t surface again till 13.30 and I no have a heat headache because a, I slept to long and b, it’s frikken hot here

Oh well it’s Doctor Who time.. time to wake the troops for a trip to see Vincent Van Gogh and some crazy alien of the week.

Stay cool and Stay safe

Until Next Time…

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Limbo

May 27th, 2010

I am having my ass kicked by depression again. I slammed into that brick wall yesterday afternoon and I have felt black and blue ever since. I got about two hours sleep and it was broken sleep at that. My motivation and enthusiasm for anything is gone. I have tried watching two films so far since 4am and I got about twenty minutes into each of them and I lost the plot.

What I don’t get is that I take my pills and injections every day. I take them religiously and hardly ever miss a dose yet still I get these overwhelming dark periods. I honestly thought that taking these pills would help. I guess after 6 years I should know better. I feel like giving up and going non medication and seeing if that works for me. I honestly, at this point in time, don’t see how it could get any worse.

Why does it get harder with time? Why do things never seem to get any better? Just Why?

Until Next Time…

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Last week

May 19th, 2010

I spent most of last week hiding out. The depression was kicking my ass big time and it was a sucky way to spend my birthday week, timing was never my strong suit. I had my discussion group on Monday which went well, lots to talk over and really engaging debate. By the end of the meeting I had kind of decided that I wouldn’t be attending this weeks meeting as the topics being discussed would probably trigger my depression even more. The main topic of conversation this week was to be the new Coalition Government and what they would do for us as a community. As I mentioned last week, it was suggested that I was in a Post Election Slump and I think going over all the bollocks that has been spouted the past ten days would just piss me off even more, so I skipped it.

I didn’t leave the house between Monday and Friday, and then it was only because I had a psych appointment. I was a little surprised at how quickly I got this appointment. I usually have to wait 3 to 4 months between appointments, this one was just 7 weeks between them. I think it goes back to the failed Promazine trial. That failed so hard it actually hurt inside. I was put onto Lorazapam again and the rage depleted somewhat and turned into depression. From one extreme to the other. I am getting better at handling depression. I now just take it on the chin and ride the storm. I go quiet and listen to my music and hope that everyone leaves me alone. I am twistedly happy in my little depressed world. I do feel sorry for those around me as they are having to tread on eggshells all the time, but they are getting good at treading on them with cutting their feet.

Anywho my psych appointment. I went in their depressed and came out with a little more hope in the world. During all the change over between Promazine and Lorazapam someone in the chain of prescriptions and faxes had screwed up big time. When I was taken off the Promazine my next repeat came in with no Lorazapam but with another drug that had a similar name Promethazine. While this drug would not have had any adverse reaction to my taking it, it’s a scary fucking thought that some dumb fuck can misread a clearly written fax and prescribe the wrong drugs to a mentally ill person. I am fortunate that I have Linda to take care of my medication. I think if I had been taking sole care of the drugs I don’t think I would have been as observant. We spent nearly two weeks trying to get to the bottom of who had made the foobar and to see if this was actually a sanctioned change from my Psych. I googled the drug as soon as we noticed and it would have done nothing for me and we were at a loss at to why the psych would have prescribed it. We finally got the answer at Fridays appointment and I don’t think teh psych was to pleased with the chain of events. He said he was going to look into the mix up. I don’t know if he will but I had a word with my GP about it on Monday and it wasn’t him that did the changes to the repeat but then again he didn’t say who did make the changes so no Holy Fires Of Retribution for me to deal out.

Back to the Psych on Friday, he was a bit concerned that my depression was lasting longer and longer and the cocktail not working to well. He didn’t want to change any of the mood stabilisers as they “seem to be doing a job” but he did increase my Mirtazapine to 45mg a day to see if that would do anything. Taking a look at how I have been since Friday I think it has had a positive effect on me as I haven’t been as dark and I haven’t been wallowing in Pink Floyd Land for the past few days. I am currently In John 5 Land which is DIRTY NASTY guitar rock and roll.

John 5

I have no idea how long I’ll have to wait for my next appointment but as always he said that if I need to, I can call him any time.

Any that’s it from me I am off to cook up some Pasta and sauce for dinner.

Until Next Time…


Currently Listening to: John 5 - Remixploitation
Current Mood: Hungry
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St**ie N**ks is driving me nuts

May 19th, 2010

I tell ya every day I look at my daily stats and it’s the same fucking thing bring people to this blog… a picture of Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham. Month after month it’s the same thing. I’d take it down but then the post would look odd. I have had one comment from someone who went looking for SN and found this website and they left a wicked comment and it was really encouraging to read that some one had gotten something from the website apart from seeing a semi naked Stevie Nicks picture. Here is the post that has the picture.

I have been through all the codex trying to work out how to exclude that one image from search results, but nothing is coming back to help me. I shall ask my brother to see what he thinks.

That is all… just wanted a rant.

I’ll post again tomorrow about last weeks Pdoc appointment

Until Next Time…

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Triggers

May 13th, 2010

I posted yesterday on Twitter that my mood was basically shot to all hell. I haven’t felt this down in quite some time, so venting out on Twitter was an unusual thing for me. I usually like to keep my emotions to myself and this blog. Twitter is for a bit of fun and supporting the friends I have made on there. I see so much drama on Twitter, I don’t need to add to it.

For me to open up and blurt out that my world was about as low as it could go was a big thing. I didn’t expect replies but I got a couple. The one that spoke to me the most was from @moodmonster who suggested that I could be going through post election slump. After sitting back and thinking about that for the past 24 hours I think she may be right. She said that she had been very down after George W. Bush was elected. To be honest I think EVERYONE was the same, the American presidential race and the President himself is a global office, so much more so than the Prime Minister of the UK. That’s not to say that Prime Ministers are not important but they don’t have the same , you know….. RAW POWER behind them. I am sure that the New York Times and Washington Post didn’t have front page splashes of Gordon Brown leaving Number 10 and have the Lizard Boy David Cameron turn up and take over the mantle. It’s just not the same.

I seem to have a few triggers that are event related:

  • The Death of my Father – I was undiagnosed at the time but looking back I see all of the signs
  • Actually being Diagnosed with Bipolar had a really hard effect on me – I kind of went into meltdown for about a month after I was told. The world was against me
  • 9/11 I was depressed and emotionally wrought for weeks after that event and I only watched it on TV.

I have everyday triggers that seem irrational to me as a person aged 36. If I don’t get my own way I can be a petulant little child. I will and DO sulk in a literal corner for hours. I can be a moody teenager who sits in his literal corner and just blasts music until the world goes away. If I have to deal with bureaucracy of any kind… Bill Collectors, Catalogue Company, Doctors Office, I get very stressy and wish someone else would deal with it and often I will put off something to my own detriment. Hell I lost the best credit card deal ever because I avoided the telephone for three months and now my credit rating is screwed for the next 18 months (It was three years but that was 18 months ago).

I really wish that my triggers ended there.. but they don’t. and they are to ingrained in me to explain properly. I have auditory and visual hallucinations, and when they get to strong and to forthright in my head I get triggered to start doing some weird shit to try and force them back. The latest being I now trry and engage them in meaningful conversation to try and find out what they want and what I could possibly do to make them be quiet or even heaven help me go away permanently. The answer is always the same

“Shut ya face FATBOY… We’re here to stay”

Lovely peoples I hang with eh?

enough of my rambling witterings. The best advice I can cack handedly offer is… DON’T LET THE BASTARDS GET YA DOWN.

Oh Yeah Pdoc appointment tomorrow… will update with what he says then.

Be safe y’all

Until Next Time…

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Doctor Who 2010

May 12th, 2010

(NB: This article was originally begun around the third week of April and was put on hold for various reason until now)

I haven’t given my Whovian view of the new series of Doctor Who yet, so I thought I would try and put down in words how I feel about the new era.

To preface what I am about to write in full disclosure I am a die hard Doctor Who fan who has very little bad to say about the show. I don’t critique negatively very often. Something has to really nark me to get me to write something bad… which is probably why my attempts at starting a review website over and again. To further get the facts straight I kinda liked Love and Monsters from series 2 not so much the bits with Peter Kay (the man gets on my nerves sometimes and that was one time he didn’t fit the role). Girl in the Fireplace is my all time favourite episode. I must have seen in 10 times in various places the most exotic being 33,000 feet over the Atlantic ocean flying back from the USA. So, on to my take of of Doctor Who Series 5.

It was with trepidation that I waved goodbye to David Tennant and good old Russell T Davies at the end of the year long set of 5 specials. The End of Time two parter was a great exit and I got a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye when Doc 10 said “…But I don’t want to go”. To see that moment of abject fear and distress manifest into a kinetic ball of lanky knee kissing foppish haired Matt Smith was a bit of a culture shock. We had seen the zany madcap timey wimey David Tennant, but this was taken to a whole new level.

The regeneration was pretty spectacular with everything crumbling and exploding around the Doctor. The TARDIS going down in flames as it were. Things were changing in front of us and it only took one word for the change to be sealed and clarified “GERONIMOOOOO”. Our seatbelt were buckled tight and we were in for one hell of a ride… and then it all ended… 4 months to wait till we would get any kind of pay off for all that angst we had been through for the past two hours and then for our hearts pounding again, the “series” was over and now the real fan boy and fan girl speculation could really begin.

There had been some leaked photos before Christmas but I had tried to avoid them but in the Online Doctor Who community you can go to virtually any website and have whole episodes spoiled for you without even looking. I hate spoilers, they well they spoil things for you and who likes to have things spoiled. So my Winter Doctor Who browsing was limited to places I could pretty much chance it and not get spoiled (AKA not much choice).

Once the show finally began airing again I was well up for it. But as per usual something would get in the way. I think Doctor Who should be a family experience where everyone sits down and pays attention and experiences it all at the same time and then afterwards talk about it. Now this is all well and good when your whole family are at home at 6.15 to watch the show but when mean arsed bosses at the local supermarket where my loving wife works insist on her working till 7pm for 3 of the past 4 weeks it’s pretty difficult to achieve that. So my anticipation was stretched to the finest gnats pubic hair you could possibly imagine. When she did get home at about 8pm we sat down and we took in the first episode the 11th Hour.

Doctor Who and Amelia Pond

As far as introduction stories go it was great. It ticked all the right boxes. It introduced the new Doctor as a nutty professor type chap. His struggles to keep his old jalopy of a TARDIS working just long enough to stop her from blowing up all together and ripping a rift in the time space continuum. It gave us a new companion in Amy Pond who was planning on taking a trip in the TARDIS aged 8 but things don’t quite go to plan. We meet up with an older more mature Amy later on in the episode who has now had 12 years of waiting and visiting Therapists to get her over her Spaceman fixation…(something I don’t think she ever got over). We got a whole new speices of Villain “The Atraxi” who kind of reminded me of malevolent Vogons from Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy, just doing their jobs and on to the next one.

I won’t go into the stories because I don’t want to spoil to much for you if you haven’t already seen the shows in question. But at some point I will come back and give proper reviews for all of the shows in turn… maybe when the DVD box set comes out I’ll pick out odd episodes and give them the once over.

(edit – added on the 12th May)

It’s been a few weeks now and things are starting to look up. The first two parter with River Song back in the mix with the Weeping Angels was a slight turn to form and showed that Moffett still hasn’t lost his touch. The latest episode The Vampires of Venice was a true classic for me. It had everything a classic Doctor who episode should have and it was the first time in the first half of Series 5 that I have not felt that something was lacking. The only thing (and it is a small thing) that bothered me was how confusing Saturdays episode looks. I was confused by the trailer so god knows what will happen throughout the show itself.

Doctor Who is back and it’s good to have him back but we need just a little more consistency from the writing and we’ll be just tickety boo.

Until Next Time…

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