One of the hardest things about having Bi Polar is the medication you have to take to stay on an even keal. In me it saps all my creativity and leaves me a shell of the creative self I used to be.
Before I was diagnosed with Bi Polar and started on the cocktail of meds that I have been subjected to for the past three or so years I used to write poetry and had a wicked sense of humour (so I was told). I used to be spontanious and on the ball, now I have to plan my day around taking medication and remembering when to eat and general mundane everyday stuff.
When I do get a spark of poetic inspiration I tend to write quick. My only problem is that what I write is usually so dark it depresses me even more. I ocassionally think about giving up the medication just to see if I can get my old self back again, even if it’s just a diluted version, it would be better than this pathetic husk I have become.
You may well be asking why the pity party today. No Reason just to much time on my hands and nothing to watch on TV. It’s not really a pity party it’s more of a extrapolation of where my head is at at the moment. I am trying to bring some reason to my life and where I can move myself forward to. I am back to work tomorrow after almost a month of work. I had a rather nasty (if I say so myself) bout of Paranoia. This time it was just the paranoia without the voices which has never happened before. Usually the voices lead to the paranoia, which is how I know that I am heading for problems and I can get some help. This time it was just BOOM! The room closing in on me and people watching me all over the office and wherever I went. I still don’t feel 100% but I can’t afford to take anymore time off work. Having said that I may not have a job much longer anyway, I have been on my last warning for the last couple of months. We shall just have to see what the next week or so brings when i go back. It’s time to pony up and be the best Beeper I can.
Until Next Time…