Down Down Deeper and Down

To start with, I am sorry for the Status Quo reference, it’s totally unlike me, I can assure you of that. I like em but I am not what you would call an obsessive fan.

The basic fact of the matter is that I have been down for the best part of 10 days now with only brief sparks of levity. I really hate this feeling of having nothing to be happy about. Everything I do seems to lead more and more towards a funk. I have started getting pains in my chest which I have no explanation for, they just started. My head has been hurting  a lot more than usual. I have been told that I spend to much time sat at the computer, which i guess is true, but if I wasn’t sat here I would just be sat in front of the TV watching another screen, except there is nothing that the rest of the family watch that particularly interests me. Sad I know but I would rather stumble than sit through another Medical reality show or see how some freak in no place Midwest America killed his wife and locked her in a car and stashed the car in a lock up for the next ten years (This was an actual show yesterday).

I guess I could be masterful and demand to watch something else, but I know that as soon as I do, I’ll get the remote and I’ll flick through 200 channels of shit and end up back on Forensic Detectives or something. I can’t win for losing.

That’s just how I fell most of the time when I have the TV remote in my hand.

I don’t know where my depression is leading me and I really don’t like the thoughts that are running through my head in preparation of the eventual bottoming out. I don’t know if I’ll get so desperate that I’ll scratch again or if this will be the time that I can’t resist suicide. I am not at that place yet but it feels close.
I can’t believe that a 15mg drop in Mirtazapine has made me feel like this. I keep telling myself that the Medication Management is going to be hard on me but if this is how I feel after such a small drop god knows how bad I am gonna feel once the take away an anti-psychotic or a mood stabilizer. My family are in for one hell of a ride. God help em.

Until Next Time…

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