Aimless, wandering

The good news is that my voices have settled down to a dull roar these past week or so. My iPod has been my constant companion ever since I got it. I have listed to the entire Hitch Hikers Guide Trilogy in five parts over the past ten days. Things got pretty bad for a while and I ended up scratching myself raw again in three places on my arm, just in time for visits to the dentist so on one of the warmest days of the year so far I had to wear a long sleeved shirt just to cover up the mess I made of my arms. As usual once the blood stopped flowing on my arms and the lasting sting radiated from my scratches my mood improved, I had proved to myself again that I need a painful wake up call to bring me out of my funk. Not the healthiest way of beating depression and not one I would advocate to anyone.

As I have written before I do not class myself a s a classic self harmer. Maybe I am in denial about it. The way I see it is that I don’t do it very often so it’s not a compulsion thing, I do it to break a cycle… the more I think about it, maybe it is a compulsion. I know what the outcome will be. I know that my mood will lift once the scratches scab over and I get the stinging feeling every time i move my arm. I know that some kind of chemical reaction takes place that tells my brain that I CAN feel more than just plain old misery.

My mood whilst it’s been on the way up over the past few days, today I am bored as all hell and it’s having it’s effect. I am restless and listless and I am getting in the mood for doing something crazy just to break up the monotony. I have listened to my iPod ever since I got up and I must have heard 100 songs on a random shuffle mode and I have only skipped one or two because they didn’t fit the mood. It’s going to need charging soon and then I am going to have to find something else to take my mind off of things… I don’t know if I’ll cope…lol

I received a letter from the CMHT Saturday. My medication management is now due to begin on the 7th of April starting with a 1 hour getting to know you and all your bad shit history. I am taking my Mum along with me to that one. Maybe she can fill in some of the blanks that have developed over the past few years of over medication and medicine abuse my brain has been put through. Also in the envelope was a second letter from a nice lady who is running a course of Anxiety workshops that my ever so kind CPN has referred me too (sarcasm off). So far I have spoken to three different people about this anxiety management workshops and they all seem to think it’s a good idea. My only problem is that it means going out on my own and that causes me more anxiety than anything else. Not to mention having to open up in front of a bunch of strangers. I can talk for England but can I still do it in front of a bunch of strangers.

Looking back to my 20’s when I used to call myself an Actor (hahahah who would have thunk it me  an Actor) I could get up on a stage and be anyone you wanted me to be with minimal notice. I played 70 year old men and I played gay hairdressers and I played several women. I couldn’t do that now if my life depended on it. For starters I could never learn a text off by heart these days. I couldn’t be as out going as i used to be for fear of being laughed at instead of with. I miss those days, I really wish that I had been able to continue when I moved from my home town to Kent but there were no decent theatre groups nearby. When I finally went to college to get a real qualification in Theatre I ended up having my first real meltdown and ended up quitting at the start of my second year. The course was demanding but the tutors had no people skills. They expected far to much and if you didn’t provide the goods you got the rough end of the stick… I didn’t miss that place in the slightest… but it still left a big hole but once my meltdown had been resolved and I started thinking a little more clearly I realised that I had left a bad place for something more stable..Real Life.

I have to have a test to see if i have COPD tomorrow. I dunno what COPD stands for i just know that it’s a fancy term for Emphysema. I called up to enquire why I had been summoned to have these tests I was told it was something to do with end of year financials or something like that… when they called me back they made out like it was something to do with the fact I have Asthma. I’ll be buggered if they are finding anything else wrong with me. I can’t handle the thought of it. Maybe that’s what’s put me in a pissy mood today knowing I have to go through that bullshit and then have to go to my second Pathways to Work meeting tomorrow. I really can’t be arsed with any of it at the m0ment, people want to much of me and it’s annoying.

Anywho that’s all I am gonna piss and moan about today. Hope everyone enjoys the rest of your Sunday and your next week ahead isn’t as busy and annoying as mine is going to be. Be Safe and Be Lucky.

Until Next Time…

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