Thursday 23th Med Management Diary

All of the calm I had felt the past couple of days had evaporated by this morning. My anxiety levels were way up and I didn’t think I would cope with going out today and it took and a daytime Lorazapam to get me out of the door.
It was the last Life Skills group today and after missing last week I felt that I would stick out like a sore thumb and not get much out of the group today.
Once the group got started I felt a bit penned in and was kind of stage struck (best way I can put it). I felt like everything was going over my head and I had nothing of value to contribute to the discussion. It wasn’t until after the break we took that Isabelle coaxed me into the conversation and I started having a little more input. Once I got involved my anxiety started to calm down and I almost forgot that I was in a room with 8 virtual strangers and I was talking about personal stuff.
One thing that did surprise me today was the fact that I gave an honest evaluation of my anxiety levels since I started these life skills groups. When I started I rated myself as a 2 on a scale of 1 being the most anxious I get and 10 being the least. Today when we filled out the end of course evaluation I rated myself as an 8. I filled the form out as quickly as I could giving the most honest answers I could and I surprised myself at that score. I have felt that my anxiety levels have dropped considerably since I started. I still get very anxious if I have to go out by myself but that’s OK and I have ways of dealing with it. There are days when I can’t handle it and I feel like hiding away but if I am out and the anxiety levels creep up on me I have ways to handle that now. I try and relax properly for ten minutes before I go out and then just breathe my way through town.
I spoke to Isabelle about the art project they are running over the next few months and thought it sounded quite exciting and thought I could get involved. Finally, something to get excited about.
I am going to miss the weekly get out of the house and get together with a group of people and have a chat. I haven’t had anything like that in all the time I have been in Corby. I have been so insular and kept to myself. Even when I was working I never really mixed with everyone. I think I went out on 5 nights out with the various teams I was on in 6 years with the company.
Leaving the group was not so much a problem more of a bit of a niggle, All I had to do was walk to the end of the road to get in a taxi. I wasn’t up to going into town today I just wanted to get home and close the door. Funny how I was fine whilst I was out, but inside with strangers but send me out into the outside world in the fresh air I am a bag of nerves.
Came home and just plugged my iPod in and forgot about the world for a while. Again I felt the need to block out the world and that’s pretty much how the rest of the evening went. I stayed in my little corner on the computer with headphones on.
Another 50/50 failure and success day I guess.

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