It’s not been a good week for me. It’s been, for the most part pretty nondescript but right from Sunday morning it’s just gone further down hill. This week should have been a banner week for me. This week was the first chance I had to follow through on one of my New Years resolutions (Get More Involved.) I had had contact with a UK Mental Health charity about the possibility of doing some media work with them, the Spartacus Report was released and the Internet was a wild fire of activity, that looking back, I should have been so involved with.
What actually happened was was I holed myself up in a bubble of self pity and maudlin bullshit and hid away from the world and watched it pass by at a rate of knots. I sat back and watch those with more profound illness almost kill themselves fighting for the rights that I have. With each passing hour I pulled up TweetDeck and tried to come up with something. I opened up WordPress and hoped the words would come for a barnstorming rant against the proceedings falling in front of my eyes in the House of Lords. But with every passing moment I shirked back and decided to just stay quiet and slip further into self loathing.
This all started back on Sunday morning. To cut an awfully long and boring story short one of my Internet email accounts was hacked and was used to send out god knows how much spam email to everyone in my address book. I had had only a maximum of 6 hours sleep when I came down and checked my email. My Inbox was filled with emails that had bounced back from non existent email accounts and emails from concerned friends who had gotten this crap in their Inbox. I did everything I could to stop any further sending of emails from my account. Once the basics had been done, I had to get the word out to the 25 odd Yahoo groups that had had emails sent to them that they shouldn’t click anything that had come through the groups from my account. For the most part people were pretty cool and were generous enough to go by my track record on the groups to not give me shit. But there is always a few assholes who think they have a moral superiority over the rest of the Internet world. For the first time in a hell of a long time, an email actually physically upset me. OK I have had emails that have tugged at the heart strings quite a few times, but this twat had actually drawn me close to tears. From there I knew I was on to a losing battle. I took drastic action and close an account down that I had had for as long as I had been on the internet. So much history and friends connected to that account are now gone and I will probably never be able top get them back.
I spent the rest of Sunday getting another persona set up on Yahoo and when I went to bed in the early hours of Monday morning I hoped that it would be over and I could just get on with life. I tried as hard as I could to just forget all the crap but my mood sank, and it kept on sinking. The usual signs were noticed, being quiet, withdrawn and not really eating. I fobbed it off as not having much to say. I did the bare minimum to get by personally. It was a strange feeling. For the first time in a while I felt that I couldn’t talk to my family. I am sure they know something is up, but I just don’t have the words to explain it. It’s pretty fucking pathetic to get so wound up over something that so many have said wasn’t my fault and there was nothing more I could really have done to prevent. I took all of the measure I could to fix it.. I spent an inordinate amount of time apologising to people, but in the end.. I was mute.
As the week has gone on, my mood hasn’t improved and I am still withdrawn, spending very little time interacting with anyone. I spend a couple of hours in the evenings sat in the Living Room watch TV but then I go back to my little corner for a while and then give up and go to bed. It’s just pathetic. I find myself utterly pathetic.
I am going out tomorrow morning to get some blood work done for a Diabetes check that I should have had done over a week ago, but have found numerous reasons to put off. I really have absolutely no desire to leave the house, the mere thought of it fills me with anxiety. I’d call my CPN to discuss the issues but it would fall on deaf ears.. that’s even if he is there this week. I am getting disillusioned by my CMHT (can’t call them new anymore.. it’s been over a year now). It seems whenever I phone up I end up spending half of my time explaining what’s wrong and the other half of the time giving them basic stuff that I KNOW is in my notes. My old CMHT would check my notes before calling back, or if I got through to the person I wanted to speak to, they would offer to call me back once they had looked at my notes or at the very least got the notes in front of them before we went any further.
OK this is getting to bloody annoying for me to write. Christ knows what you must be thinking reading it.
Until Next Time…