It’s been a while. In fact it feels so much longer than it actually has been.
There is a good reason, well I say good, it’s a reason to me and a damned good one. I am sure there are others who will understand and know what I am talking about.
For the past 3 months I have felt an overwhelming paranoia that has all but crippled me. I haven’t made more than 7 trips outside the house since December 23rd. Of those 7 trips I would hazard a guess that 4 of them were trips to a medical facility and entailed a taxi from my front door to the door of the hospital and the same in reverse. The other 3 times have been forced attempts at trying to break this feeling. It hasn’t worked. I am sat here now at almost 5am wondering how the hell I am going to manage going to a new place later today.
Last week I was introduced to an organisation who help people with Mental Health problems. They offer activities in a group setting to try and help people re-engage with society, to get them back interacting with people again… it’s almost as though they were set up just for me. They run groups in different areas. They have a Good Food session every Monday. The basic premise behind it is that a group of people get together.. all through in £1.50 and then have a chat to see what they fancy for lunch that day and then they go to the super market and buy the food and then they cook it and then they sit down and have a 2 or 3 course meal and a good natter whilst enjoying their lunch. It sound like a really good idea to me. I’ll leave it a couple of weeks before I jump in as I’d like to know a few people before I get involved in such a group activity.
They also have a computer that you can book a slot on. My CPN mentioned whilst I was having my induction that I was quite familiar with computers. I am not sure but I think my support team think I spend to much time on the computer.
Getting back to my original point. Paranoia.
It all kicked off properly when I sent my ESA form back. After a finding out that it had been received my mind started telling me that now they had all that information about me, now they would be out to find out I was lying and wanted to catch me out. So over the Christmas period I became convinced that there were people in the street watching me and waiting for me to leave the house. So I chose the safest option.. I didn’t leave the house.
Once Christmas and New Years were out of the way my paranoia started to grow. I was being watched all the time. I posted a few things on here and I made the odd comment of Twitter and Facebook, but I pretty much started closing myself off and “protecting” myself.
With every email I sent out to friends I checked over every word I wrote to make sure it couldn’t be construed any other way. Through all of this, I am trying to keep a “straight face” and not really let on what was going on. I made excuses not to leave the house. I made token appearances here and there. I guest edited This Week In Mentalists a couple of times. All the while trying to hide away so I didn’t get caught out.
In my rational mind I know this is all Bullshit. I know it is. It has to be. What makes me so special. That rational side of my mind is so small and insignificant compared to the loud angry paranoid side of my mind it gets drowned out so easily. I doing my best to move on and try and beat the crap at it’s own game. forcing myself to be more social. Too get out there and say HEY, I’M FINE REALLY. Just a fucking shame I don’t really mean it.
I have been plotting out stuff to post about. So hopefully I’ll have another post up before the end of February.
One thing I have been keeping up on is my PhotoBlog. I have pretty much made at least 1 post a day over there. It’s all pretty nondescript, but it’s giving me a slight focus each day. If you feel inclined to take a look you can find it at www.spnak.com.
Until Next Time…