Happy Leap day folks. I just had to post today so my archives would show a post from today.. sad aren’t I?
A fair bit has happened in the past week or so since I last post. My paranoia has started to subside. I still don’t look forward to going out in public, but I am making steps to force myself to face my fears within reason. I have never improved in my illness without an element of Gung Ho spirit being involved. My head space gets all bogged down with the fact that I can’t do something and I fulfil that attitude by listening to myself.. and god only knows I am my worst source of advice at the best of times.
Two things have made this process a lot easier than it would have been.
Last Thursday I received a letter from the DWP. I have been placed in the Support Group for Employment Support Allowance. The letter arrived without fanfare, there were no demons pounding at the door to take away my eternal soul. It wasn’t raining fire or the sun wasn’t being blacked out by a massive meteor coming to crash to the Earth. It just plopped through the letter box. I opened the letter expecting the worst. After all I knew who it was from, it said so on the envelope.. I read the letter slowly to try and eke out the pain of having to go for the dreaded medical and there it was at the bottom of the page… I suppose it had mentioned before that I had been awarded ESA but it wasn’t until I saw the words SUPPORT GROUP that it actually sank in that I had been spared the medical.I just wish it was as easy for all. When I say easy, I mean subjectively easy.. there is definitely NOTHING easy about filling in that form and getting medical back up for said form. To have go back and try and articulate your worst times and all the flaws you only wish you could over come. Every word on the form I filled out felt like a further slip into a further step of crazy. Once the form was finished and sent off things only seemed to get more and more intense in my head.. well you know about that, I have written about it (here and here). I can honestly say that, whilst I am still in a state of constant awareness of being watched, I can now move on and try and best those feelings.
I did say there were two things that made things easier for me this past week. The second is one that I am most embarrassed about. I mentioned in my last post about a camera watching my house from over the road. Well it turns out the reason the house had it’s curtains closed and unmoved for two weeks was that the occupants had gone on holiday. They returned and (I am ashamed to say.. I watched the house for a good couple of hours after they returned to see if anyone left with camera equipment) all the curtains were opened and life carried on as it had before. Paranoia sucks the soul out of you and when your worst fears are realised to be false it’s just down right embarrassing and shame making. Oh well, it’s over now.
That’s it for tonight.
Until Next Time…