I have been, what some may call, a little sick the past few weeks. I myself feel like calling it my dead period. I don’t recall the last time I felt as physically sick as I have over the past three weeks. It all start with a little sting in my throat and sinuses. I thought maybe I had had a rough night and spent it snoring my head off. Over the next few hours of that Saturday I started getting a more and more congested in my head and then by 6am Sunday morning I was full of it. I could hardly breathe and my nose wouldn’t stop running. Quick onset cold.
It festered and I got to the point where I couldn’t sit at the computer and resigned Mum and Linda to my company in the Living Room. For the next 10 days I monopolised the TV remote and spent maybe a maximum of 1 hour sat at my desk. I downed tools on Spnak (my photoblog) and I gave up on regularly checking Twitter. Facebook was checked on my iPhone once a day and that was pretty much the extent of my online life.
I am now three weeks later still having the odd problem with a chesty ukky cough but I am back to almost “”normality.” The Only thing that I really can’t handle is the fluctuating deafness in my right ear. It is like hearing the world through a wad of cotton wool. No amount of hot water down there will break up what ever is blocking my ear. It has made life interesting for everyone else around me. Normally I have excellent hearing. As an example, I can be in the kitchen and listen to something on the TV three rooms away or I can hear a request for a hot drink come from Mum whilst listening to Pink Floyd on the PC. Now I have a standard response of “EH WHAT DID YOU SAY.”
I am sick of apologising for having to ask people to repeat themselves every time they speak to me without looking at me. To make matters worse I have to turn everything up 50% louder than it normally would be which makes understanding what people say to me even harder. I know a trip to the GP would be pointless as it’s just a side effect from a cold. I honestly don’t see what the point would be of wasting an appointment on something that should clear itself up fairly quickly. Having said that, if there is no improvement by midweek I may change my outlook on that. My hearing is far to valuable to me to mess around with.
In Mental news – I was invited to a launch event of a group that is run in my area (I may have mentioned them before). I attended the event last Friday and got there with no real expectations. I had been to this building before but it was during a pretty low patch for me and I had not really paid much attention to what was going on around me. When I got to the building I straight away started feeling very panicky. It felt like what I imagined being on a Submarine must feel like. The event was well attended but this also meant not much room. I couldn’t physically get much further than the door to the main room. I was penned into the lobby of the building and when I ventured in the whole place just started crowding over my head. I was handed a presentation pack of events that the group would be running n the near future and I spoke to the group leader and then I had to make my excuses and get out for a while.
Its been quite some time since I had felt like this. I was on my own as, up to this point, I had been on a pretty good run Mental Health wise. I had been using my coping skills I had learnt from previous groups both here and back up in Corby. I always had my exit strategy planned out before, this time I was flying blind and it freaked me out. Luckily Linda was in town still and a quick text and we found each other fairly quickly. I really hope this isn’t me sliding back to a bad place. I say this as I have been having some weird feelings over the weekend.
I have for the past 12 months had this growing urge to get back to a more structured way of living. Having somewhere to go at a certain time on a certain day. Something akin to getting a job. Getting off over two thirds of my medication and getting out of the haze has helped me in this. Realising that I AM getting better at living a better life was helping me think about reintroducing myself back to the world. This weekend however, I have felt a general apathy towards pretty much everything. I would ordinarily put this down to the Cold/Flu thing I have had, but this was different. This was all in my head and not a general malaise. I really felt that there was no real point to any bloody thing going on around me. Things that had kept me going during my physical illness no longer held any kind of meaning for me. I had no real desire to be around anyone, the TV that I had been watching or the books that I had been reading were doing absolutely nothing for me. I want to say I felt MEH!! but it was so much more than that. I actually felt lazy and unmotivated.
I know Lazy and Unmotivated is exactly what Daily Mail readers would consider about the right state of mind for some one on benefits and out of work and for once a small part of my mind actually agreed with them.
Does this present state of mind actually mean that I have rejoined the non-mentally interesting world and I am cured or is this yet another symptom of my illness that is introducing itself. I have no idea what would happen if I tried to get a job. No doubt in the current climate it wouldn’t be easy for me to do so as after having almost 4 years out of work with Mental Health problems would probably hinder any chances I had at offering a glowing reassurance to any employer. Having had a panic attack at being in a rather small place on Friday only illustrates to me that there is still some work to do, maybe that is what has triggered off these feelings of being ineffectual in where I am at the moment. A setback will do just that.. set you back.
Well I have rambled on more than I intended to today. I found some old stuff I wrote almost a decade ago that seems scarily relevant to what I have been going through over the past few years. I may add a few to the website once I get over the cringing feeling of my own juvenile attempts at poetry.
Until Next Time…