Spontaneous Brain Fart

Yeah, not the best title for a post I have ever come up with.. but my mind is racing. It knows what it wants to say it’s just getting it down in some semblance of readability.

This past Tuesday was the last of my Creative Arts Group. In one respect I am glad it’s over. I enjoyed the process of playing with pains and the like but the end result always left me feeling like a child of Four or Five at Nursery School. I think the only thing that could have improved my output at these groups was if I had just gone in and drawn stick men for two hours every Tuesday morning. At least I would have been consistent.

This last group was a wrap up session. At the end of every group I have EVER taken we have to assess the group how we have felt during the time we attended and what do we think could be done to improve the group for the next bunch of people who come in. I always hate this bit as I know the person who has put this group together has spent a lot of time and effort into getting everything in place to make the group happen. The only thing I could really fault with the group is that it was done in the morning. I have a hard time being creative in my own time but having to be so earlier in the day was an extra stress on me. I don’t usually feel the effect of taking Seroquel as I can usually sleep it out naturally by 10am, but on Tuesdays I’d have to be up before 8am to get my shit together and get to the group for 10am. It wasn’t pretty most weeks.

So after filling out the forms that were needed we completed a project we started a few weeks back. In short we had a rather long piece of very thin muslin type material and we were asked to draw buildings that had meaning to us. The end product is to be used in an exhibition in Canterbury later in the year. There are other groups doing similar projects. The first week, I have no idea where it came from but I drew a Hobbit hole house. It was a fair representation to my eyes.. it was no Dutch masterpiece but I think if you look at it for a moment or two you may get what it is without having to be told. The following session we had planned on finishing off the project.. but one thing led to another and we had to devote a third week to it. That second week we had filled out more of the materials edges but we still had large areas of undecorated space. A member of the group made a comment about a wall, which sprung my mind back to a play I had had been involved with at college many many years ago. If the piece is about building why don’t we make the rest of it a brick wall and the graffiti the hell out of the wall. The idea went down well and that’s what we did.

The rest of the time in the group flew by, for some reason the creativity of coming up with ideas had made me feel so much better than actually doing the physical act of creating something. I guess it’s a case of being able to see an idea but not realise it that has frustrated me for the whole of the course. The only thing that I had any success at was the drawing session (which is unusual for me). I had actually drawn something that resembled what it was supposed to.

After the group was over I came home and was feeling kind good about myself and in a silly minute took a picture of myself making a stupid face. I have no idea now a few day later why I did it, but I knew I could have some fun with the picture. This is what I ended up with:

A digitally altered version of me

Feeling good about oneself usually ends up in an embarrassing photo ending up on the Internet.

So that’s it.. my group is over and I am onto the next part of the journey of Recovery. What comes next is anyone’s guess. There has been talk of some Talking Therapy, but I will need to assessed first to see what THEY think is suitable for me. Could be CBT (ackk didn’t work last time) could be one to one sessions with a Therapist (dunno, never spoken to an actual Therapist before.. the closest I got was with a support worker back up in Corby).. or it could be a multitude of other ideas that I don’t know about yet. I do know that they are changing the way the handle each “Service User”. They are rearranging their teams in line with a new set of Government guidelines. The lottery continues.

Until Next Time…

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