I had a CPA meeting last week. It was a surprise to me as I didn’t even know one was due, and as I found out neither did my CPN. How we laughed.
Now I am just about getting used to the set up where CPA reviews are concerned I sit there for 30 minutes answering every question trying to be as amiable as possible and give them all of the information they ask for. With the exception of the issue over my diagnosis evolving (see here and here) I pretty much go with the flow and try not to stress out much about these things. Well the diagnosis issue came up again in this meeting. Seeing as I have taken part in the Recovery group and the Creative Arts group they want to move me on to the next step (the name escapes for the moment).
This whole issue of my changing diagnosis winds me up every time it’s mentioned. I am 99% certain that Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder doesn’t reflect my symptoms at all (from the past of the present). It just seems to trigger off some inner rage that eats at me. One of the things that could be considered a “symptom” of EUPD is anger issues, black and white resolution of issues. Well, I concede that that is a problem for me. On certain issues I do see things as black and white and in some case I am passionate about that and will stand my ground: read I get pissed off easily when someone doesn’t listen to me and realise that I may know what I am talking about.
So anyway, I kept my mouth shut as I have been known to shoot from the hip in these meetings and I really don’t want this consultant to get the impression that I am argumentative normally. I’m not. In fact, I haven’t had a problem with any other of my health care providers apart from her. I could draw a very easy conclusion from that last sentence but you know.. I don’t like to generalise things to quickly. I couldn’t wait for that appointment to be over and to get out of that room. I probably should have said something there and then, but I waited until I got out and was being shown out of the back area of the unit and I mentioned to my CPN that I may give him a call later in the week as I was unsure about a few things that were said, he asked what, so I told him. He was kind of stunned that I hadn’t mentioned it in the room and I played it off with some off the cuff remark.
At this point in the post, I am starting to second guess myself… could this be a co-morbid thing? Could it be that even after almost 7 years with one Mental Health team saying one thing and after just 4 or 5 45 minute meetings with this one Consultant that she has a better handle on me than everyone back up north did? Fuck.. now I have myself confused.
Jump forward to the end of last week and things are starting to grind in my head. I haven’t really gotten the CPA meeting out of my head, but then again, I haven’t really let my mind dwell on individual issues, it’s more of a blanket of feelings that are covering my conciousness. Over the weekend I really got my knickers in a twist. I was certain that things were missing in the house. Not things that I had seen recently, I am talking boxes of DVD’s that I hadn’t seen since I packed them up when we moved over 18 months ago. I was certain that these boxes were gone. What started as a minor annoyance Sunday Lunchtime, soon turned into an obsession. I had to find these boxes.
I cajoled my wife into coming upstairs with me to help. It was quite warm this past weekend but that didn’t matter, for the next 5 and a half hours I lugged boxes from room to room frantically ripping open unopened boxes to try and discover where these DVD’s were. Every box that didn’t have DVD’s in was a slap in the face to me. They were laughing at me. Inanimate objects inside cardboard based containers were making this VERY personal. My wife urged me to slow down, open a window so I could cool down or stop and take a break were just hindrances to what I was trying to achieve. Nothing was going to stop me.
When I was forced to stop my hunt (I ran out of boxes.. or so I thought) I came down stairs and we ate. My mind was still furious at the fact that the boxes had been laughing at me. I couldn’t rest, every inch of me was crazed. I hadn’t felt this way in a long time. I had had times when my head wouldn’t shut up and that was bad enough but this state of affairs was something totally different. I didn’t sleep that night. I tried but just couldn’t fall asleep and I didn’t until the early hours of Tuesday morning. At some point during Monday I went back up to the small room that we have used to store stuff in since we moved in (it was supposed to be an office space when we first viewed the house, but we had more stuff than room, so I lost my office). I found my boxes, within about half an hour of moving stuff that I had moved other stuff on top of the day before. As I ripped open that last box (yes it was in the last place I looked) I just gutturally growled at the contents of the box and let out some kind of prehistoric stream of victorious abuse at the contents. I had beaten the boxes.
Did that end the “crazy” not really. I was relieved to have found what I was looking for, but I had built my head up for a massive hunt like I had gone through the day before and I was thwarted by a methodical moment that urged me to look in the one stack of boxes that looked like it hadn’t been touched the day before.
You may have put 2 and 2 together by now and realised that I was Hypo-Manic. It’s not something that has happened to often as I am more tended towards the depressive side of my illness. I get crazy racing thoughts sometimes when my voices don’t shut up for a few hours.. but this past weekend and the first half of this week I have had “The Mania” and I hated every fucking second of it. There was no creativity, no over abundance of Sex no crazed spending (I did buy a 57p stylus for my iPhone of an Amazon Market Place seller). I was cheated out of all the good stuff, all I got was the chance to royally piss off my family and sweat my fucking balls off lugging boxes.
Now it’s Wednesday and I am coming down, I have slept for more than 90 minute stints but I am no better off.
The question I have id… Do I tell my CPN about this and risk him reporting back to the PDoc and then coming to the conclusion that I am making things up to disprove her theory or do I keep quiet and just become compliant with everything that follows?
Until Next Time…
Oh.. here’s the box that was at the centre of the whirlwind of my mind.