Creeping Heebie Jeebies

**Trigger Warning for some talk of Self Harm in this blog post. If you think you may be affected by this please don’t read.**

Hey there, long time no speak, and I am back like a bad penny. It seems I use this blog like I use the Mental Health Services, when the crap hits the fan I dial up the IJAR blog and unload my woes. This time it’s almost 4am and the Creeping Heebie Jeebies are settled in for the second night running. If I call it that instead of a.n.x.i.e.t.y. it won’t be as bad, and will have that jovial sense of humour I am so well known for… HA! Continue reading

Thinking Into A Brick Wall

WallThis post is an oxymoron. I know it is, yet it still exists… or at least I hope it will.

As I have mentioned over the past couple of posts I have hit a major depressive period. It has descended on me like a tonne of lead and has just hung around and not wanted to shift. I have given in and gotten myself referred back to the Community Mental Health Team, laughably its taken a month to get an appointment to be reassessed by someone there… and that is on the fast track system due to my being discharged under 18 months ago.

In the interim period I am left to my own devices. I am left to control my own demons and to try and not go any deeper into the funk that I am already in.

The reason I say that this post is an oxymoron is that I can’t write. I have so many ideas floating in my head. I have started 4 or 5 articlesand they just sit there in a folder on my desktop. I have scraps of ideas sitting in a note book. I have ponderous thoughts running in my head day and night, brilliant start off sentences for articles that have no way of getting past the first paragraph.

What’s the bloody point of opening Word when you won’t even finish the first 200 words?

Just another Brick Wall to pound my head against.

Masks

If you have ever felt just a little bit off, but had to carry on and get things done, you have probably “just put a brave face on it and got on with it”. For some one with Mental Illness we develop a great skill that actors spend years and years perfecting and garner shelves full of awards for. We develop the ability to put on Masks. Continue reading

Extra Extra

SHOCKER
Man with mental health problems does bugger all wrong

extraextra

In what will shock the wider reading audience, it was revealed today that there was a man with mental health issues who did not kill or hurt any one today.

It appears that this is not an isolated case as it is strongly rumoured that one in four people in the U.K. has some kind of mental health problem or will have in their life time.

Could it be that the press has an agenda that is being spurred on by some kind of right wing policy that is designed to sway the public against the vocal minority who caused a massive scene recently over the ASDA Halloween costume fiasco? Could it be that there is some kind of pressure being placed on the media to demonise the mentally interesting so as to discredit the anti-stigma process?

It’s one thing for The Sun or The Daily Mail to unleash their bile on a section of society that has little chance to defend themselves and has no trouble in promoting negative stereotypes, but when the story is on the BBC News website I find it almost amazing and am left in disbelief that this can happen. Where are the ethical editorial standards in effect? Why was this story allowed to be posted in the first place?

For an organisation that preaches inclusivity for all and accessibility for all, this is just one more slap in the face from the BBC who will no doubt just take down the story and pretend like it didn’t really happen. We’ll it did, and I have the proof.

Until Next Time…

**Edit**

This is the headline in question from the BBC Mobile website last night:

Screen Capture of headline about Mental Health Patients Hilling 110 people in 9 years

From the BBC London Sub Webpage October 7th 2013

200+

Black and White image of a Shadow of Me

Me from in front of the sun

Off the bat, this is my 200th published post on IJAR. It’s taken me far to long to get this far and I should be hanging my head in shame at my total crap status as a blogger. Really I am not that worried. I have posted more posts elsewhere that if I hadn’t had other blogs would probably have ended up here anyway. You can find my other blogs, they are all well signposted. I just wanted to acknowledge the fact that I had made it to 200.

The reason for this post is kind of a follow on to my last post about being discharged from front line Mental Health services. In my last post I was very gung ho about the fact and I was all up for the fact that in a few short weeks I would be going it alone with only the back up of my GP, who I don’t have total faith in, but have very little chances of moving away from due to GP shortages in this area. Over the past week to ten days thoughts have been crossing my mind that are not exactly casting doubts on my pending discharge, but more along the lines of what happens to the rest of the things I have relied on CMHT to provide.

I have no idea if I should be contacting benefits agencies about the team discharging me. Yes it is a change in my circumstances, but I know I am still ill. I know I am doing better, but I also know that I am in no way ready to go back into a work place. There is no documentation about this. Who decides? Please if you know the best course of action from here, please let me know either in the comments or by sending me an email (you can find the email button over there —>.

My group finishes this next Monday. It’s been 20 weeks and I have found them in turns informative, frustrating and hugely humbling. I have learned so much about an illness I don’t have, but can identify with.  One thing that really did force itself home during these past 20 weeks and the emotional journey that I went on whilst being with that group of people, Labels Don’t Matter at all. All that matters is that you are comfortable in your own skin and to a certain extent, mind. One of the things I know I will most probably never achieve is total peace. I have to much twisted thinking and the voices will always be there and I have to keep developing ways to drown them out and keep my equilibrium about as even as I can. Doing this will lead me to a stronger base where I can move on and actually state with 99% certainty that I am in Recovery and I am going to be well. It’s a road that I have found and I have a pretty good map to guide me, I just don’t have a very good compass to keep me on that path yet… but I am working on it.

Until Next Time…