As you can probably tell I have had a bit of an “End of Summer” clean up. I felt like that seeing as things are looking up for me and things aren’t as dark anymore that it would be good to brighten up the blog a bit. I had been using the wonderful bespoke theme designed for me by my brother for just over three years. While it’s good to have a definite identity, it’s always good to change things up now and again.
Category Archives: Everyday
Raging Against The Rage
I have for the past few weeks been quite despondent about things going on around me. I have had the wind knocked out of my sails by various events and situations that I thought I had no real control over. I found I was wrong.
Hi
I have been sat at my computer for what seems like months (in fact it’s been five weeks or so.) I have sat here with my blog open and willing myself to write, hoping that something would come to me that would make sense outside of the crazy ramblings going on inside my head. It never came. As the days went on I started to feel obligated to write, to have some kind of thing out in the ether. I followed Facebook and Twitter looking for something I could knowledgeably latch on to and maybe have something to say on a news story of the day. Philip Davies – member of parliament for Shipley… well he is just a dick, I could think of anything more to say about him and…well that just didn’t seem like a substantial blog post to write.
The Weather
Don’t panic I am not going to go into the mind numbing minutiae of how good the British weather is.
But for the first time in as many years as I care to remember my mood has taken an up swing during this latest spell of good weather. Normally you would have me cowering in the coolest part of the house… even though my ass is to big for the freezer I would usually gladly stick my head in there for the duration of the Summer.
I think the layout of our garden has a lot to do with it though. We have a little courtyard type area just outside the back door where we have set up a few garden chairs and a Picnic table and we have been going outside to smoke and being able to sit down has made it just that little bit more relaxing and not so rushed. Leading off the courtyard area is a medium sized grassed area that I am actively putting off mowing. That gets the full sun up till about 3.30 – 4pm. But the courtyard after 10am it’s nice and cool in the shade.
This holiday weekend has been the busiest since Christmas. As I said in my last post it was Mum’s birthday on Friday so we B-B-Qed and Sunday we had the Family over again for a full roast Turkey dinner with all the trimmings. The Kids had an Easter Egg hunt in the garden and it was fun watching them scramble around the slightly overgrown grass looking for mini eggs and not so mini eggs. Mum cooked so the food was really nice. I hate it when I cook I never feel like the food I cook is nice. I always end up not enjoying it and moaning about it later. Mum did really well and my Nephew really enjoyed his Turkey (I think given a choice the boy would eat turkey every day given half a chance.)
I decided yesterday that I would risk a couple of glasses of wine if I spaced my pills out well enough and the Seroquel was out of my system by the time we sat down to eat. So in reality I spent 24 hours planning for two glasses of red plonk, not that I am Anal or anything. But I had my two glasses and it went down well and I didn’t have any real after effects of having it. I did feel a little tired once everyone had left, but I had a couple of strong cups of Coffee and I was back to my fighting strength.
Last night my medications were changed again down 1 Resperidone up 100mg of Seroquel, Which if my crude maths is correct means 2x2mg daily of Resperidone and 400mg nocte of Seroquel. When I made the move from 200 to 300mg I was dopey as a mother fucker for the whole past two weeks. Last night I take my pills at the normal time of 10ish and was in bed by just after 11pm. I thought I would be out for the night, only to wake up at 02.30 this morning wide awake… so I did what I normally do, come down for a smoke and then see if I want to head back to bed. Last night I did, god knows why I bothered I was awake again 2 hours later and I have been up for the duration.
One plus point from yesterday (well it’s a plus point after the fact.. it could have been disastrous) Linda forgot to put any Lorazapam in my morning pills. So I went through the whole of yesterday without Lorazapam and I didn’t melt down. This is a good thing. Friday I had to take extra to get me through the afternoon, but as I mentioned before, I was having a bad afternoon confidence wise.
I hope everyone has had a great holiday weekend and are looking forward to the next one ion ohhhh 3 and half days.
Until Next Time…
Tough Day
It’s been a bit tough around these parts today. It’s my Mums Birthday. We hadn’t made any real plans for it. I was going to cook whatever she wanted for dinner and we were probably going to watch a movie this evening. Somewhere along the way this week it evolved (I am starting to hate that word) into buying a Bar-B-Que and having a little family get together. I thought this was a great idea, Mum doesn’t get bored and the food will be “different”
The plan this morning was for my Sister In Law to come around at about 11.30 and for my Brother to follow once his church service had finished and then Mum and SIL would go out and buy the Bar-B-Que and requisite items to go with it. Then once the hardware was bought it would get ferried home by Taxi and they would head to get the food part of the day. All good so far. This all went off to plan. When the hardware arrived my Brother set to putting it together (he is better at things like that… fuck he’s better at most things than me… but that’s just my general fucked up view of things… it’s supposed to be the older brother who leads the way.. not in this family.) It took him about 30 minutes to put the Bar-B-Que together… I would still be fighting over the legs 12 hours later. Once Mum and SIL arrived home with a metric tonne of food to be cooked we had just about gotten to the stage of lighting the damn thing. According to those congregated it was my job to set the fires going and to cook the food. I fought for thirty minutes trying different ways of getting that dam thing burning properly. We, in the end, used about 2/3 of a bottle of lighter gel and after about another thirty minutes it was raging like a trooper.
Needless to say my brother had taken over after I had all but admitted defeat at the hands of the charcoal briquettes . I did however take over the cooking and managed to cook some pork steaks and not burn them. I moved on to the food on skewers and managed to singe a few sausages. I knew I was on to a losing battle as my anxiety levels were gradually creeping up. The kids were hungry and things just weren’t moving fast enough to keep everyone happy. I started getting that feeling you get when everyone is watching you judging every move you make. I handed the cooking tongs over to my Brother and he was in his element cooking away with a beer in hand. (What I wouldn’t have given for a cold beer today, but with the Seroquel and extra Lorazapam I had taken it just wasn’t wise for me to drink as well.)
My brother handled the rest of the cook duties for the afternoon with a plomb. the only things that looked a bot weird were the sausages.. they went from Brown to Black…but perfectly edible. They weren’t burnt at all and I had two or three of them so they must have been allright.
I guess it’s my inadequacies that I foster and imagine that make my success in anything where my brother is concerned all the worse. I have written before about how he is better at virtually everything we have or have had in common. I honestly can’t think of a single thing that I do “better” than him. He is Musical he is a tech guru (He can build websites from a blank notepad page and make it look good.. he is also a great parent something that I am sure that if I was in the same position wouldn’t be the case. I may be the funky uncle but I am sure I would make a shit Dad.. probably wise that Linda and I couldn’t have kids then.)
OK this is just turning into one big fucking Pity Me party so I am gonna go and wallow in bed and try not to wake up until after Easter is all over.
Until Next Time…
Slow Times
I am getting to the point where I just don’t care anymore. It’s getting to hard to just carry on with the status quo. No I am not suicidal but I can see my mood evolving just like my diagnosis. I have had a general ambivalence towards my health since my meeting with the Psych. She threw me for a loop and I am still spinning almost out of control.
I have had several blog posts brewing in my head for the past week or so, and if I had sat down and actually written them I would have been quite the most prolific in a long time. I still have the post ideas in my head and maybe after dinner tonight I may sit down and try and flesh out a post or two to post over the next couple of days. I really need to make an effort in my writing I have plenty of venues for it but I just, as of late, don’t have the ability to sit down and make the most of it.
I certainly don’t have writers block, quite the opposite which is unusual. I always seem to be struggling for ideas, but it’s been a pretty interesting week so far news wise and for once I feel like tackling the news head on. I have been inspired by other bloggers that have been new to me. It’s always good to have an injection of new blogs to read. I think I added three or four new blogs to my Google Reader this past week.
Well I hope this hasn’t bought anyone down like it has me.
Until Next Time…