I am getting to the point where I just don’t care anymore. It’s getting to hard to just carry on with the status quo. No I am not suicidal but I can see my mood evolving just like my diagnosis. I have had a general ambivalence towards my health since my meeting with the Psych. She threw me for a loop and I am still spinning almost out of control.
I have had several blog posts brewing in my head for the past week or so, and if I had sat down and actually written them I would have been quite the most prolific in a long time. I still have the post ideas in my head and maybe after dinner tonight I may sit down and try and flesh out a post or two to post over the next couple of days. I really need to make an effort in my writing I have plenty of venues for it but I just, as of late, don’t have the ability to sit down and make the most of it.
I certainly don’t have writers block, quite the opposite which is unusual. I always seem to be struggling for ideas, but it’s been a pretty interesting week so far news wise and for once I feel like tackling the news head on. I have been inspired by other bloggers that have been new to me. It’s always good to have an injection of new blogs to read. I think I added three or four new blogs to my Google Reader this past week.
Well I hope this hasn’t bought anyone down like it has me.
Until Next Time…
It’s all a bunch of bullshit.
It’s that plain and simple. I have been depressed now for 4 days and it seems to be getting worse. It started off my missing a dose of my medication and it kind of spiralled downwards from there. Going from restlessness to ambivalence to sleeping all the time to not having an appetite and now I am not sleeping at all.It is just so draining doing anything that doesn’t involve moving.
I don’t mean to be all heavy and morose but I am so sick and tired of being this way. I have no one I can really talk to. Mum and Linda do their best to try and cheer me up but it all seems so futile in the end. I want to run away and hide in the corner. The old joke there would be for me to sit in the corner and count my feet…. but I am afraid I would fuck that up too at the moment.
It’s 7am and I have been up for 2 hours, I didn’t go to bed till 3am.
(Fast Forward 90 minutes)
I am still awake and getting less and less sleepy as the minutes tick by. I think sleep is a no go for me today. I shall just veg here in the comfort of my squeaky computer chair and listen to film soundtracks all day. Not my ideal day. My ideal day would include doing something that didn’t involve being so down that suicide looked like a step up.
I am not suicidal. I may be feeling pretty shit but I know this will pass in time. Just doesn’t help me in the short term. In the here and now I want to smiles and chocolate cake, but all I have is cold coffee and bird shit.
How many more ways I wonder can my life feel like poop. I dunno. Is there any point to making an effort any more.
As I said before… It’s all a bunch of Bullshit
Until Next Time…