It’s uncontrollable. It’s from the very pit of my soul. It’s a rage that is burning hard and heavy. I wish I could douse the flames and not feel this overwhelming anger towards everything. I am doing myself no favours. I am doing no one else any favours. It’s just an ever turning spinning on an axis rage that can’t be sated.
It started about two weeks ago and to be honest that’s why I haven’t written much anywhere, Facebook, Twitter or here, mostly out of fear of pissing someone off. I don’t know if writing this now is going to upset some but I have to let it out or it’s gonna cripple me. I am not manic, I know that much. I am still obsessing over stuff. I have cut way back on my spending and have only spent about £20 on Doctor Who stuff this month. Mind you Mum has bought me a couple of things as well. I think it’s her way of not letting me spend the money out of my bank account. I got almost everything I planned on getting with th exception of the Specials DVD. But I guess I can wait for that for a couple more weeks.
Back to the rage. I am pissed at everything. My life (or lack of it). The people I interact with on-line, so much drama and crazies going on. I feel like screaming at some people just to get their shit together and live life for the now. I think that and then wonder how would it feel if I said those things to myself and what would my reaction be. I should take myself out of the equation and stop following so rabidly all the stiff that goes on. My twitter feed is getting clogged up by so much stuff I don’t know where to begin. I want to be there for the people on my list but I have no idea where to begin in NOT saying some thing assholeish (yeah I made that word up). What’s the right thing to say to someone who is hurting and you have only one reaction and that’s to tell them to S.T.F.U?
I,of course, would never do that. I just want to know that I am not feeling alone in feeling these feelings and that others go through these phases. I wonder what would happen if I just deleted everything and started from scratch with a new identity? Not tell anyone who I am. Go back to using blogger and re-building the fragile network that I have built up. I have done it before and then came back once my head was straight. hell I lost about 6 months of my online life that way and still I end up back at square one.
Oh well sitting here moping about it isn’t going to solve anything.
Until Next Time…