Thinking Into A Brick Wall

WallThis post is an oxymoron. I know it is, yet it still exists… or at least I hope it will.

As I have mentioned over the past couple of posts I have hit a major depressive period. It has descended on me like a tonne of lead and has just hung around and not wanted to shift. I have given in and gotten myself referred back to the Community Mental Health Team, laughably its taken a month to get an appointment to be reassessed by someone there… and that is on the fast track system due to my being discharged under 18 months ago.

In the interim period I am left to my own devices. I am left to control my own demons and to try and not go any deeper into the funk that I am already in.

The reason I say that this post is an oxymoron is that I can’t write. I have so many ideas floating in my head. I have started 4 or 5 articlesand they just sit there in a folder on my desktop. I have scraps of ideas sitting in a note book. I have ponderous thoughts running in my head day and night, brilliant start off sentences for articles that have no way of getting past the first paragraph.

What’s the bloody point of opening Word when you won’t even finish the first 200 words?

Just another Brick Wall to pound my head against.

Masks

If you have ever felt just a little bit off, but had to carry on and get things done, you have probably “just put a brave face on it and got on with it”. For some one with Mental Illness we develop a great skill that actors spend years and years perfecting and garner shelves full of awards for. We develop the ability to put on Masks. Continue reading

Sneaky

I have sat here this morning and reflected back at the past week or so and I have realised that depression has snuck up on me again. It really is a sneaky bastard. I knew I was having problems a couple of days ago where I was having increased voices in my head trouble, but this morning it’s all too evident that things are not going as planned. Continue reading

Implosion

***Warning. This post is pretty intense in places with talk of Suicide and other triggering topics.***

This post could quite easily become one big cliché. I don’t intend it too but I am going to explain what has gone on over the past couple of weeks.

I want to say that men bottling things up is a misconception that I would never fall into, but the past two or three weeks have proved that I too am just as guilty as the next (literal) man. I always thought that I communicated my feelings to my family well. I thought they were on top of things when I was in a funk.

This past Wednesday proved that wrong. In the most heart breaking way possible. Continue reading

Spies

It’s been a while. In fact it feels so much longer than it actually has been.

There is a good reason, well I say good, it’s a reason to me and a damned good one. I am sure there are others who will understand and know what I am talking about.

For the past 3 months I have felt an overwhelming paranoia that has all but crippled me. I haven’t made more than 7 trips outside the house since December 23rd. Of those 7 trips I would hazard a guess that 4 of them were trips to a medical facility and entailed a taxi from my front door to the door of the hospital and the same in reverse. The other 3 times have been forced attempts at trying to break this feeling. It hasn’t worked. I am sat here now at almost 5am wondering how the hell I am going to manage going to a new place later today. Continue reading

Turn Turn Turn

It’s not been a good week for me. It’s been, for the most part pretty nondescript but right from Sunday morning it’s just gone further down hill. This week should have been a banner week for me. This week was the first chance I had to follow through on one of my New Years resolutions (Get More Involved.) I had had contact with a UK Mental Health charity about the possibility of doing some media work with them, the Spartacus Report was released and the Internet was a wild fire of activity, that looking back, I should have been so involved with. Continue reading