Tag Archives: FaceBook

Coffee and Cigarettes.

You’d think you would be used to me not posting.. well, to be honest you probably are.

Things have been a little off around IJAR land lately. Family issues have had me occupied on other things. Then other non family things get in the way and when you look at it in the grand scheme of things.. nothing gets done and you’re left with a bloody great hole in your archive. But you know, I have realised that no matter how many times I say “I will post more often” it will never happen. I am just not constant enough. I have good intentions but I just don’t follow up on my promises.

I realise that I will never gain a massive audience around here and I am finally OK with that. I’ll just keep plodding away as and when I can actually get down and write.

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Raging Against The Rage

I have for the past few weeks been quite despondent about things going on around me. I have had the wind knocked out of my sails by various events and situations that I thought I had no real control over. I found I was wrong.

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My Secrets Laid Bare

It’s been a funny couple of weeks. Life had been a swing and a roundabout away from being liveable. I haven’t had to many down periods but then again I haven’t had that many up periods either. Just fleeting glances at happiness, or deep looks into an abyss that has no bottom.
What makes it even stranger is that I have NOTHING whatsoever to complain about. We are doing fairly well financially at the moment I just got a new iPhone and all our bills are paid, we have plenty of food in the kitchen so why don’t I feel contented. What’s missing from my life that I can’t just be happy and get on with my life.

It’s been about 18 months since I “gave up” work. If you don’t remember I was let go from my job because they could no longer support my absences from work. It was all done quite amicably and in the best of humours, but 18 months on I seem to feel at a loss at what to do. I occasionally wish I had worked harder at keeping myself well enough to keep a hold of that job. If I could have sucked it up for half the time I caved in to my depression, I may still be employed and getting a salary that would keep me out of the Benefits system. I don’t have any objections to being on Incapacity Benefit. Of course I would rather be earning a living rather than just getting by on what the government says I need to live on, but I guess that’s not going to happen until I get my life sorted and can keep my head out of my ass for longer than a weekend.

As I mentioned in my last post. I am on Facebook, I don’t contribute to much. I just use it to keep track of what the world is doing around me. I am an observer and not a participator. I sometimes wish that I had more to say about my life in general but I am sure no one wants to hear daily updates of my life:

12:30 – Had a banana for breakfast.

12:45 – Had to eat something else as the banana wasn’t enough

14:30 – Just got back from counselling session – More depressed now than when I went.

15:40 – Had a muffin as the Something else had worn off

You know you get the drift, my life aint that interesting. (That’s probably why I get no readers here).I sometimes think I should just make shit up to put in this blog, just to keep it interesting. I should become a Walter Mitty or a Billy Liar. My fantasy life is much more interesting than reality. But I don’t want to disillusion myself that any form of my fantasy life could ever become a reality so putting it down in black and white is just tempting fate for another depressive phase. But to that end I have started writing a short story. Well it’s planned to be a short story, I am not the most succinct writer in the world and my editing skills are poor to say the least. I just start writing and let it go until I run out of things to say. See, I am giving all my secrets away. I just told you that I put no planning into writing and my only saviour is the wavy red lines under misspelt words that my word processing prog catches… me and my big mouth.

Jumping to a totally different tack now. This past Saturday saw the return of Doctor Who. The New series heralded a new Doctor and a new Companion. Matt Smith as the new Doctor is great.. mad as a box of demented frogs and his sidekick Karen Gillan as Amy Pond is just great. If you went by looks alone you could swear she had a touch of bipolar as in the series opener she was either in a Tarty Police woman’s outfit or in her nightie and dressing gown. I know it’s a generalisation but that’s how I am. I am either in my skimpiest outfit or in my Batman Pyjamas.
The new titles and opening music are going to take a couple of watches to get used to after in not really changing for the past 5 years, but all change is good. The atmosphere of the episode not being London centric and based in a little village almost harkens back to classic who stories where it was an almost nondescript location.
All In all I loved the new series and by the looks of the trailer for the rest of the series to come, it looks like we are on to a winner and the next 12 weeks will most likely be a banner period for Doctor Who as it goes from strength to strength. Saturdays are worth looking forward to again.

Well that’s about it from me… I ran out of things to say for now. So…

Until Next Time…

We Have No Bananas

It’s nearly 3am and I should be asleep. Actually let me rephrase that… Normally I would be asleep, but tonight is different. Tonight I couldn’t take any sleeping pills because I have to be up before noon tomorrow which is something I haven’t managed in the past week whilst taking the pills. I have been waking up anywhere between 4 am and 8 and having a cigarette and then heading back to bed, it’s that or I fall over where I stand. You would think that after taking these things for a few months my body would have built up some kind of resistance to them like most of my other drugs have done and continue to do so. I am not complaining as I like the fact that I can take two little orange pills and be asleep within an hour, that works for me fella.

I am now into week three of taking Byetta and I really do think it’s having some beneficial effects. I wasn’t a big eater before but I am seriously watching what I eat after a couple of really uncomfortable evenings early on. Obviously I don’t look any different… well at least I don’t see any difference. I wouldn’t I see me every day..lol. I go back to see the diabetic specialist nurse next Wednesday and I’ll find out then how much if any I have lost in the past few weeks and then my dosage will increase to 10 micrograms. Doesn’t sound a lot but that stuff fucks you up the first few days of taking it at 5 micrograms can’t wait to find out what 10 will do:/

I like to think of myself as fully clued in on today’s internet trends. I have two twitter accounts a semi regularly blog I have a Facebook account that I check daily (and I hate FarmVille and all those other game “apps”). But you know something I am so socially retarded that I don’t make use of them. I feel self concious about posting a status on Facebook because I don’t know how my odl school friend will react to my mentalism. I am sure if they took a look at my profile page it wouldn’t take them long to find the link to this blog. Some of the people I have friended over the past 18 months of Facebook haven’t exactly approved of my lifestyle and some of their comments have outraged me at times, but I sat back and hid below the parapets of possible flamage. When I say Lifestyle, I refer to my reliance on state benefits. It would be safe to say that quite a few of my peers from school are probably Daily Mail readers who look at The Sun for the pictures. One or two of them that I have let onto my little roller coaster car have been supportive. I think I have to use exceptional judgement to whom and of what I tell people. When campaigns like Time To Change talk about stigma I guess I am starting to learn that we stigmatise ourselves more than anything else.

Changing the subject totally, I always thought of myself as a man of the people and for the working man, but I gotta say a big FUCK YOU to the the train workers who have decided to go on strike the second week of the Easter holidays. For once in my puny little life I had actually gotten myself psyched up about going out some where and having a day out in public or maybe better yet, going to stay with my brother for a few days. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Bob Crowe (the fucker in charge of the union) decides that it’s better to strike that to discuss and work things out. He thinks that it’s better to ruin peoples holidays. God that Crowe fucker doesn’t my nut in.. he always has and he always will. So you know where you’ll find me the week after Easter.. right fuckin here.

That’s it from me.

Until Next Time…

Last Week

I meant to post all this last week but one thing led to another and I never got around to it.

Monday I went for my 6monthly Diabetes check up. I had had the blood work done the week before so now it was time to man up and go get the bad news. Diabetes appointments are usually always bad news for me. It’s either threats of my legs dropping off or the fact that I am gonna need Viagra some time in the future. I tell ya if I wasn’t depressed before I go in I usually an afterwards. As is my way at the moment I turned up a few minutes (read 15) early for the appointment, but was lucky that the Diabetic Nurse was running way early which meant I got seen pretty quick.

Getting my blood done was a risk seeing as it was only 5 months since my last test and the path lab are notorious for not repeating tests like the H-Test under the prescribed times. It seemed like they were playing silly arses again as my test results weren’t on the system, The Nurse had to phone through to the path lab to get them, they weren’t answering the phone… it took nearly an hour to get my results. Once we went through the normal questions… How are you? What have you been up to? Blah Blah Blah. We get done to the nitty gritty of doing the diabetes checks. Feet check… glad i washed em… Weight check… Lost 6lbs down to 19st 5lbs. I haven’t put wait on for quite a few months and have been steadily losing it for about 4 years. Now if I added exercise to my life I might really start losing weight, but it all too much bloody effort to be honest. I know I have to at some point or my heart is going to pack up one day…. but I just don’t know where to start. Answers on a postcard please. She asked me a few standard questions… when did I last have my eyes checked… ummmm the letter i just got said it’s over two years but I am not counting if they aren’t. To be honest after being in the consulting room for close to 40 minutes my bipolar head was starting to get a bit antsy. I had to give a urine sample and that came back just above normal for something or other. Finally after everything had been done the Nurse tried the Path Lab again for my H-Test results. After phoneing she was goven another direct number to use and after some argy bargy got the result and it turns out that my result was 8.9 down two whole points from my last test. Which is great seeing as it had been floating around 10-12 for the past couple of years (hence the leg dropping off and Viagra warnings).

Right at the very end of the meeting I mentioned about how disappointed I was at losing my appointments with the specialist Diabetes Nurse, after I explained the reasons she said that she would make more arrangements for me (and she did, I have another specialists appointment on the 15th of December.) The Nurse mentioned a new type of Diabetes medication that is being prescribed at the moment (I don’t remember the name sorry) that helps with weight loss as well as countering the effects of having Diabetes. She can’t prescribe I have to see the Diabetes Consultant for that and the waiting list is quite long, but he does have a new registrar so it could be sooner rather than later to see him. But it’s definitely not going to be this side of Christmas.

Fast forward to Wednesday and the Relaxation group started. I arrived a few minutes early and was asked to wait in the other meeting room whilst the facilitator finished prepping the room we would have the meeting in. All of a sudden I felt myself being very self concious. I felt as big as a house and knowing that a relaxation group would have breathing exercises included my chest got kind of tight and my breathing became a bit laboured. I had to relax myself enough to go through a relaxation course. A very bizarre feeling for sure.

Once in the room there was relaxing music and a soft wafting of some kind of aromatherapy oil and all the blinds were closed so it was kind of like my teenage bedroom all over again. there were 4 people at the gropup this week but she was expecting another four or six more next week. I felt it was just about comfortable with the ones we had there then. The room isn’t exactly the most spacious and if she expects Ten people to be in that room without anxiety levels shooting up she is a bit deluded me thinks.

The relaxation group runs like this:

A hello how ya doing intro
A 40 minute relaxation period (eyes closed listening to her talk about feeling lazy)
A coffee and a chat

At least that’s how it’s supposed to go. I guess We’ll see this next Wednesday.

We were given a wallet with some reading material and a few relaxation cd’s to listen to. I have ripped them and put them on my iPod for a relaxation on the go test. When I finally go out I will try it.

That’s about it for last week. The rest of the time I shamelessly hid away depressed and in my Pyjamas. I abused sleeping pills somewhat and slept a lot and wasn’t very nice to be around I guess. The depression is getting worse, and my ability to fight it is becoming less and less. It is getting harder to not take the sleeping pills just so I can sleep all day and avoid situation normal. I hate being this way but I can’t help it.
One of my so called friends from school posted on their Facebook page about How they have to keep working to pay for the Benefit Scroungers. I wanted to kick up such a fuss but then remembered that if I kicked up a fuss it would lead to questions which would lead to revelations which would lead to half of my year at school knowing that I finally went crazy and am now a walking medicine cabinet. I guess the stigma is in my head, but I know these people. These are the same people who teased me for being fat at school. Given half the chance they’d do the same now. that’s why i never put full body shots on Facebook only head shits from the shoulders up. At least the worst they can say then is I have a fat head and a weird haircut.

On enough of the pity party I am off to listen to the new Them Crooked Vultures CD on You Tube .

Until Next Time…