Creeping Heebie Jeebies

**Trigger Warning for some talk of Self Harm in this blog post. If you think you may be affected by this please don’t read.**

Hey there, long time no speak, and I am back like a bad penny. It seems I use this blog like I use the Mental Health Services, when the crap hits the fan I dial up the IJAR blog and unload my woes. This time it’s almost 4am and the Creeping Heebie Jeebies are settled in for the second night running. If I call it that instead of a.n.x.i.e.t.y. it won’t be as bad, and will have that jovial sense of humour I am so well known for… HA! Continue reading

Messy Mind, Messy Head

A Messy Desk

If my mind is reflected through the state of my desk… then man am I really screwed

It’s been hard to come up with anything to write for IJAR of late. I am still attending my weekly STEPPS group and my mind is mostly occupied with that.  With each week that goes by I feel that I really don’t belong in the group. I say this because I no longer feel ill, it’s more of a case that the whole STEPPS system is set up for people with Borderline Personality Disorder and I am even more sure now than I was when I first got that diagnosis that I do not have that. The things we talk about in the group are interesting to learn about, but I don’t identify myself with the symptoms or traits that are laid out for that illness.

I have my CPA on Monday and I am really not looking forward to that. I never like them, but I get the impression that I am in for a mental beating and a game of cat and mouse whenever I go into the room with my consultant. I really would like to get a second opinion and move on to another consultant, but it’s hard enough to get an appointment with the one you are assigned too let alone getting a second one.

My sleep is really disordered at the moment. I have stresses that keep piling up one on top of another. I finally managed to get my CPN to give me a few sleeping pills to help me get back into some kind of rhythm with my sleep, but circumstances just haven’t allowed me to take them. It’s a pattern that repeats every few months and I think I finally have my CPN’s realisation that I am not just asking for these drugs for the sake of it, it’s something that happens with me and I need occasional help breaking it. What I need now is for my mind to be reassured that my wife will not get hurt during the night and for the DWP to get their arses in gear and sort my ESA evaluation and for a multitude of other things to come into line so I can finally get a full nights sleep, medically induced or naturally. I just need a few nights.

That’s it for now.

Until Next Time…

3.32am

As the title says it’s just after 3.30 in the morning. I have been in bed for over 90 minutes and I am still awake.

Nothing is working. Relaxation music, spoken word stuff that normally sends me off. Even the old trick of a glass of milk hasn’t helped. I don’t know what to try. Oh what a life…

 

Better Heathcare Through Bribery

I know it’s been a while but I wanted to keep my head down for a while and it turned into an absence that I didn’t expect to last quite so long. There are numerous reason why I would want to take a break but there are two that stick in my mind and are most prevalent to why I am back writing now. Continue reading

The Letter And Other Stuff.

Before I start on this, I just want to thank everyone who has visited over the past few weeks and left comments. The last post is the single most commented on post in the history of It’s Just A Ride. Thank you. Now on to business.

Continue reading

I Just Can’t.

For the past week or so I have been having problems with my sleep. Each night it’s getting worse. It started off by my not being tired until the early hours of the morning. It moved on to not being able to sleep until the time normal people get up, which leads to today where I have had 1 hours sleep in the past 24 and I am still not remotely tired.

Continue reading