The clouds are moving fast outside. They seem to be racing faster than my mind is right now, which means they are going at a rate of knots. I have been up since 2am it’s now 7.30am.
I woke up from the same nightmare I have been having for the past two weeks. I can’t shake the mental images and I have no way of stopping them. The dreams are all encompassing. They dominate my night time and in my waking hours they are fleeting through my mind all the time.
I have another post that is too hard to write that I have had started for almost a week. I started it and got 750 words into it and had to stop. IT is going to sit in my drafts folder until I face up to what it’s about and finish it. Not posting it makes everything I have just written almost to cryptic to be true. I wish that I had the balls to finish writing it and get it over and done with instead of it just sitting there staring at me every time I come onto the blog to check for spam comments (I do this 4 or 5 times a day.)
I still don’t have any contact with the local CMHT. It’s now getting on towards two months since I asked the GP for a referral. I need some kind of support right now. I need to work these dreams out with a professional. I need to unload my head onto someone who isn’t going to feel bad or judge me for what I say. It’s hard. I have never known a time when I didn’t have a handy phone number to call when I needed it. I think if I haven’t heard by tomorrows mail run I will ring the GP and see if he can chase it up and hurry them up a bit.
I am almost to tired to finish writing this so rather than have it end up just another draft waiting to be completed, I am just going to sign off and say,
Well I said I had some big news. If you follow me on Facebook you may already know the news but for those with the taste not to follow me anywhere, the news is… That I am moving to Kent in the next month. While we were on holiday we went house hunting just to find the lay of the land so to speak and we kind of got carried away and ended up signing the papers to tale on the house from the first of December. Obviously we won’t move in on the 1st but we are aiming for sometime between the 11th and the 16th. Things are moving pretty fast and to be honest it’s getting a bit to much.
Last Thursday I went to see my Psychiatrist for the last time before the move and he did what I hoped he would do. He increased my Quietapine to 200mgs at night. He also reduced my Depakote down to 1000mg a day. It’s just a shame that we won’t be able to complete my drug reductions together. I am going to have to get used to a new doctor and a new way of looking at my drugs. My psychiatrist knew that changing a med causes me problems he took that into account whenever he changed anything. I guess he saw my sensitive side :o)
So dealing with a medication change and all this last minute changes in home status is causing some rather weird side effects. The increase in Quietapine is making me sleep more than I have in ages. I am writing this now and I feel like I could just go to bed and sleep till lunchtime tomorrow. I swear the only two things that are keeping me awake is listening to Les Miserable and the coffee I am about to make myself.
<twenty minutes later>
God that coffee tastes good. Anyway where was I, side effects. Sleep way to much, general lethargy. Basically every side effect that precludes me from packing the house up is hitting me all at once. It’s not making me popular I know that much. People are tolerating me now but I can’t keep letting it get on top of me.
<Fast Forward 76 Hours>
Please don’t ask where the last 3 and a bit days went… needless to say I was awake at 4am this morning wide awake and fully rested. I think I may have slept to much. The only downside of being awake this early is that it is way to early to put the heating on. If we put th heating on this early everyone wakes up like they have been sleeping in the Congo. So we wait till everyone is up to kick the heat on.. I am only typing this to keep my pinkies warm ya know.
Looking over my Twitter feed I see a lot of people talking about Black Friday in the States. Bloody stupid idea if you ask me. Get up at silly o clock in the middle of November and go stand outside an electrics store for the slimmest hope that there will actually be a sale item left after the shop assistants have rummaged their way through all the good stuff. I am glad that we on the civilised side of the world don’t partake in that kind of silliness. We’d never do something that insane would we…. Oh be quiet not everyone chases a cheese down a hill for fun.
As I said I have been up since 4am and I have been listening to Ministry of Sounds Anthems Electronic 80’s Compilation. It’s quite good some stuff I know I have heard before.. I had to have.. we listened to Radio 1 before school in the 80’s and this is pretty much all well known stuff from back then(I think) but there are some great tunes that aren’t dropping the penny when they start. I have added this one and the second in the set to my iPhone so when I am out you may see a Short Fat Hairy legged bloke body popping to himself. If you do don’t call the crisis team or an ambulance, it’ll just be me listening to my youth passing me by for the second time.
Oh yeah seeing as it’s been three day since I started this post I have to mention that we are up to our arses in packing boxes and bubble wrap. The weird thing is though, it doesn’t seem to me as though we have made any headway into the packing. I am hoping that it will all come together all at once like all hard things. We’ll see. But one thing I do see in my future is a hell of a lot of Late Nights coming up to get all this done in time.
Right time to quit procrastinating and get something constructive done….. MORE COFFEE!!!
It’s almost 3.30 in the morning. It’s now Friday. I haven’t slept since 1pm Thursday. Not a big deal you’d think but I have been off the Zopiclone since Monday night and I miss my little Orange friends. As you may recall this is a conscious decision to stop taking them for a while to let my body readjust to normality. I wish I had never fucking bothered. I have had nothing but problems since Monday with racing thoughts sleepless nights and I may add an irritable urge to mow the grass in my garden.
I took Zopiclone on Monday night and slept fairly well (I think… it’s hard for me to keep track at the moment). As I blogged I woke up with a Zopiclone hangover (Thanks Pandora) and I decided then that I needed a break from them, I do like to stick by my ill informed choices. Tuesday night I was awake all night Wednesday I slept for 4 hours By the time it had gotten to Midnight Wednesday into Thursday I had had 6 hours sleep in about 56 hours or something like that. I hadn’t had this reaction to stopping Zopiclone before and if it wasn’t for the fact that I have to be up and alert this morning I would have taken then just to get back into some kind of normal rhythm. Thursday night I went to bed a little before midnight and was up at 3 am and again at 7 am I was up for a couple of hours to take meds and such and went back to bed and died until around 1pm I think my body just gave up and had to shut down. I couldn’t have done anything about it if I tried.
But as I said I have been up all day and I am back to where I was Tuesday night. Wide awake and alert as a Meerkat on acid. I have a pretty full morning taking Mum to Doctors appointments but I hope that by the time We have done the circuit of Doctors and town I’ll be able to come back and sleep for at least a little while. I do know one thing Tomorrow night I am taking Zopiclone and fuck the hangover I’ll sleep my ass through it.
I swear at some point I will keep a blog running for more than two posts a month. For a half arsed explanation as to my absence it’s down to several things.
I have been plagued by insomnia the past few weeks. I can go a few days sleeping normally and then it’s a week of sleeping for 2 hours a day and averaging out at 10 hours sleep for the week. I end up hallucinating and then my mood crashes and I become withdrawn and moody as a ten year old little girl who got her pretty pink dress all messed up. It usually takes me a week of normal sleep to get over a week of insomnia. I sleep through the night and then end up taking two short two hour naps through the day. I know it’s said that you never really “catch up” on missed sleep but I feel like I do.
Another reason for my absence is because I am starting up another website. A review blog. I watch a lot of TV and movies so I figured I would take some time out to improve my writing skills and have something to show for it at the end of it. At the moment I am slowly building up a stock pile of reviews and articles so I can launch the website with more than just a hello and welcome to WordPress article. I am being helped by my brother with the design elements of the site, but I am taking a more active role in the design process. I am working at learning Photoshop so I am doing what I can and getting the technical info off of Nik. His business is taking off and he is busy a lot more now than he was when he built the theme for this blog. It’s about time his skills were appreciated for what they are… and that’s top notch.
I have been referred to Anxiety management classes at a local support centre. It’s one to one coaching and looks to be interesting. The lady who runs the class has claimed that she is a hard task master and will push me way beyond my comfort zone. Now considering where I am at the moment it’s not going to take much pushing to get me outside of my zone. It’s gotten to the point at the moment that I can’t even go to the shop at the end of my road without accompaniment. I am housebound just like the kid in the film Disturbia, except i don’t have an ankle bracelet and my neighbours aren’t offing people, at least I haven’t seen any suspicious bodies being moved around. I just hope that these classes give me some skills that will help me get out and do my own thing again. I don’t envisage me getting another job before we move but going to Psych appointments on my own would be nice. Mind the paradox of it all is that I attend the anxiety classes on my own…. yeah I get a Taxi door to door both ways is a bit of a cop out but I do it on my own.
As mentioned in the last post, there is an art exhibition coming up. All of the art work is done by service users and people associated to the MHT. Be that users, users carers or actual MHT members. I have entered two pieces. I haven’t heard back from them to say whether they like them or that they don’t think they would be suitable. I will have to get in touch with them some time next week. Once the Exhibition is open and running I will post the brand new piece I have done for it and you can all see how far I have come with Photoshop.
Ok That’s me done for this update. Keep yourself safe.
Now normally I wouldn’t have a problem with snow. Normally I don’t have to go out in it for longer than a few minutes at a time. But this week I have to go out twice. Tomorrow is my first Medication Management meeting that was rescheduled from last week, and I have a feeling we may have to do some shopping after the meeting. Then on Wednesday I have a dentists appointment for “some extractions“. The letter from the dentists made it very clear that it wasn’t going to be just one extraction but MULTIPLE extractions. Believe it or not I have never had to have a tooth taken out in my whole life and now my teeth are screwed up I have to have MULTIPLE teeth out in one visit. Tell me how little the dentist hurts when they force teeth out of your head.. someone tell me it only tickles PLEASE.
My mood is fluctuating today. One minute I am happy and glowing about the radiance of winter (sick aren’t I) and then the next I am down so far I want to drown myself in the snow and never wake up. I don’t know what the problem is. I don’t normally flip flop between moods. I guess (and it is only a guess) that I am in the middle of a mixed state episode.
According to the all knowing Wikipedia I am showing signs of a mixed episode. Maybe only a mild one but I haven’t really had one of these before that I have been acutly aware of. I could do without the added pressure of anything else being wrong with me. Oh the joys.
I am off to burn off some of this energy i have pent up.
I guess one could say that my mood and my mental state is improving. I have my good days and I have my bad days. Heck I can have a good hour and a bad hour. One thing that triggers a bad hour is the thought of having to go back to work. I just know that no matter how many pills they change and how much the dosage is altered I am never going to be ready to go back to work. Now Never is a mighty big word and I don’t mean that I never want to work again, because that would just be stupid and a reckless thing to wish for. The only way I could possibly stop working period is to win the lottery, and aside from the odd tenner we don’t have much luck on the old 6 balls dropping.
I wish I knew what kind of work I could do without the stress that working for my current employer hands out. I would love to work with computers in some respect. I would love to learn how to build websites properly and make a living from doing that. There is a problem with that idea though… and that is you need training and qualifications to do that kind of work… that or an amazingly artistic streak that I don’t have. You have seen some of my art work on these pages and they are nothing to shout home about. I don’t know how to use industry standard tools like the adobe suite of tools, I chose the easier option of learning Paintshop Pro. I think I am too set in my ways now to start to learn anything else. I have fun doodling with what I know but I need something to be able to step up to the plate and do more with.
I’ll not go on with my little ramble about work, just so far ask to know that I have three weeks to make a choice about what to do next.
I spoke with my pdoc on Wednesday and we decided that I should come off the Aripiprazole and increase the Reboxetine by another 2mg. I m fine with this and I think my body has become used to the reboxetine as I am no longer getting the Insomnia I was getting for the first ten days I was taking the drug. It was getting to the point where I was waking up at 3.30 am and being wide awake and not being able to sleep again until 4 or 5pm that afternoon and then going back to bed at midnight and doing it all over again. Touch wood I am over than now.