If music be the food….

As you may have noticed things have been pretty quiet around here with the exception of a spate of posts made about my medication management diary. There will be more of those coming so you will see a lot more posts from me in the near future.

I have been mostly absent from the blogosphere for the past month due to having not much enthusiasm to write. I have to keep the diary so I will be writing more from now on whether I like it or not. Part of my “homework” for medication management, apart from the diary was to create a list of what I like doing for myself. It seems that I am not focusing on the positives that I like doing and I need to be doing more of that apparently. It seems so self indulgent to think just of me when Mum and Linda are going through the same hard times I am. OK they don’t have the voices and hallucinations to deal with or the lack of ability to go out unaided. But things are tight here and we are all having to make bigish sacrifices just to make it from one pay day to the next. I dread the next email I get from the bank. They only email me to tell me they are charging me a fee for going overdrawn on my overdraft or to say I have a statement waiting to be read. It’s usually the previous.

Any way back to that list:

Using the Computer
Reading
Creative Writing
Watching Films
Listening to Old Radio Plays
Contributing of various On-line radio Forums
Cooking
Digital Graphic Art
Music

Looking back over that list I must seem like a very insular person. None of it involves leaving the house. I seem to have become entrenched in the house. I wouldn’t even know where to start to find a hobby that involved leaving the house. There is some talk of my joining a creative writing group at the local library but I don’t have any details on that yet. I do need to find something to do outside of the house, especially seeing as I don’t see myself being back in work anytime soon. If the Bipolar doesn’t kibosh me the economy will. Who in this climate is going to employ a liability like me. Oh well it will all sort itself out in the long run.

I am on week 5 of my medication management programme. I am finally reducing some of the medications. MY Flupentixol is down to 0.5mg am and 1mg at night and I have been taken off of my wonder drug Lorazapam and had it replaced with Diazapam originally at 5mgs and today reduced down to 4mgs. I haven’t really noticed much in the way of withdrawals from the Lorazapam which is something they were worried about. The change over to Diazapam has been smooth. The reason for the change in dosage today was because I mentioned that I had been sleeping a lot over the past week so the doctor reduced the Diazapam too see if that would help.

My life skills group ended the week before last and I miss it. OK I may not have gotten the most out of the group but I did get some good info and it was nice to meet up with a group of people every week to talk. The groups were very loose and our conversations often strayed off course and it was all very anecdotal. everyone had at least one story to share each week and it made the two hours of the group fly by. I look forward to any other groups I can get involved with. My spirit seems lifted after being involved in a talking therapy group type situation. I think it must have something to do with getting out of the house and having someone else to talk to other than the dust bunnies growing around my mouse pad.

I sem to be having problems sleeping. I have been up all night now. It’s now 5.30am and I am still not tired. So i figure I will just stay awake until I do get tired or fall asleep sat at the computer. No doubt the later will happen sooner or later. Linda and Mumn will be getting up to get ready for work soon and I will just sit back and wait to wave them bye bye. I don’t know what’s more depressing, not being able to work or having to work when your sick. I wish there was an easy answer but I just don’t see it at the moment.

The sun is coming up outside. So I will confine this to the archive and say:

Until Next Time…

Thursday 23th Med Management Diary

All of the calm I had felt the past couple of days had evaporated by this morning. My anxiety levels were way up and I didn’t think I would cope with going out today and it took and a daytime Lorazapam to get me out of the door.
It was the last Life Skills group today and after missing last week I felt that I would stick out like a sore thumb and not get much out of the group today.
Once the group got started I felt a bit penned in and was kind of stage struck (best way I can put it). I felt like everything was going over my head and I had nothing of value to contribute to the discussion. It wasn’t until after the break we took that Isabelle coaxed me into the conversation and I started having a little more input. Once I got involved my anxiety started to calm down and I almost forgot that I was in a room with 8 virtual strangers and I was talking about personal stuff.
One thing that did surprise me today was the fact that I gave an honest evaluation of my anxiety levels since I started these life skills groups. When I started I rated myself as a 2 on a scale of 1 being the most anxious I get and 10 being the least. Today when we filled out the end of course evaluation I rated myself as an 8. I filled the form out as quickly as I could giving the most honest answers I could and I surprised myself at that score. I have felt that my anxiety levels have dropped considerably since I started. I still get very anxious if I have to go out by myself but that’s OK and I have ways of dealing with it. There are days when I can’t handle it and I feel like hiding away but if I am out and the anxiety levels creep up on me I have ways to handle that now. I try and relax properly for ten minutes before I go out and then just breathe my way through town.
I spoke to Isabelle about the art project they are running over the next few months and thought it sounded quite exciting and thought I could get involved. Finally, something to get excited about.
I am going to miss the weekly get out of the house and get together with a group of people and have a chat. I haven’t had anything like that in all the time I have been in Corby. I have been so insular and kept to myself. Even when I was working I never really mixed with everyone. I think I went out on 5 nights out with the various teams I was on in 6 years with the company.
Leaving the group was not so much a problem more of a bit of a niggle, All I had to do was walk to the end of the road to get in a taxi. I wasn’t up to going into town today I just wanted to get home and close the door. Funny how I was fine whilst I was out, but inside with strangers but send me out into the outside world in the fresh air I am a bag of nerves.
Came home and just plugged my iPod in and forgot about the world for a while. Again I felt the need to block out the world and that’s pretty much how the rest of the evening went. I stayed in my little corner on the computer with headphones on.
Another 50/50 failure and success day I guess.

They Can Rebuild Me

It’s official I now have a foreign body in me permanently. I had two more teeth pulled today and had them replaced with a lovely set of three new plastic ones. As I write this I want to remind myself when I read this back in years to come…. that IT BLOODY HURTS WHEN THE DRUGS WEAR OFF.

When I first went to the dentist all those months back I thought that I would be getting a face full of fakery and was pleasantly surprised when he told me that I would only need three falseys. What followed was a building of my confidence to be able to go to the dentists office on my own without the major need of Lorazapam. It almost felt comfortable to go there. Now I don’t have to go back for three to four months I wonder what I will replace my little victory jaunts with. For the next four weeks I have the Life Skills workshops to do and I attend them on my own. So that’s got my weekly trip out on my own. I really need to build up my solo flights so to speak.

I just want to apologise for the crappy post last night. I was kinda bummed out about I dunno what. I think it had something to do with the Life Skills workshop and some of the issues that were raised. I couldn’t tell you what they were specifically but the whole thing kid of bought me down. I did try and speak out a little more yesterday and I contributed a little more, I just wish I knew where the sparkling wit and jovial Me went. I miss him sometimes.

OK I am gonna head off and winge some more about my mouth being sore and try and figure out what I can eat without hitting the roof… Salt and Vinegar crisps should do the open wounds some good… I need a good cry anyway lol.

Oh yeah I am now going to subscribe to scary ducks LoL Theory – Read about it HERE

Until Next Time…

Touchy feely relief

I needn’t of worried about my Life Skills workshop. The first get together was more like talk therapy.

There were far more people there than I thought there would be. There were probably 12-15 people there including facilitators. It was nice and relaxed to start with and then the interaction bit started. Introduce yourself to your neighbour and tell them a bit about yourself so they can feedback to the group about you and you can in turn do the same about them.

My memory is truly shot… we were talking for a good ten minutes and all I remembered was the poor ladies name and that her dog like to steal clothes of the washing line. She on the other hand remembered pretty much everything that I let slip about myself.

I did realise something rather sad. I am no longer the forthright person I used to be. I used to be the first and loudest to speak up in a group, now I am like a frikken wall flower sat in the corner waiting to be asked a direct question. Now I don’t know if that was because the group was so big and I just didn’t get my gums flapping quick enough, or was it the two Lorazapam that I took before the meeting (no way I was going in there clean…lol). After the group broke up and I walked down to the Taxi rank to get a cab home I kicked myself several times over for being a push over. I should have held my own a little more instead of being spoken over by other members of the group. Maybe next week will be different.

I slept well after the meeting. The Lorazapam has that effect on me. I have to take two when I go out as one doesn’t have much effect on me, the only downside to that is that when I finally get home and relax I start to nod off. It’s not that I mind the extra sleep, it can just be so inconvenient when I have other things I want to do. Idealy I would have posted this on Thursday Afternoon Evening but I was so whacked out I couldn’t form a sentence let alone a blog post. Friday wasn’t much better. I had everyone home and it was noisey as all hell in my head. I missed a couple of days medication this week and according to Linda this always sets me back for a week after. So that would explain the black mist I have had for the past few days. Oh Well.

That’s about it for me for now.

Until Next Time…

Cancelled

So there I was psyching myself up for my Medication Management meeting at 3pm, when at 11am I get a phone call from the clinic saying that the Nurse who was to be sitting in on the meeting wasn’t available today so they would have to cancel the meeting and rearrange it for next week. As the call went on I felt all my energy slip away from me. It was like a big vacuum cleaner stuck up my rear end and sucking my will to live out of me.

I wasn’t particularly looking forward to the meeting… I had been told there would be a lot of talking and I just wasn’t in the right head space to be revealing my inner soul today. I have been down now for about 2 weeks and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. I am putting on a face for Mum and Linda but the cracks are starting to show. I don’t want to be chirpy and chipper, I want to take to my bed and never come out.

My CPN is coming Thursday, so no doubt I will get the usual I should go out more and take the Lorazapam as much as you need. You would think she was trying to get me hooked on the stuff. Maybe they get points for referrals to different sections. 10 Pts for a Bipolar referral 20Pts fpr a Lorazapam addiction 30 Pts for a schizophrenic meltdown. first one to 100 and you get a set of steak knives. Sorry that was cynical and I know she only has my best intrests at heart but I am sick of being dependant on drugs to get through my day. I would never be allowed to get rid of the drugs by my family, I would drive them nuts inside of a week. Hell, missing one day is cause to my have my balls chopped off just to remind me that I should take them every day.

I really shouldn’t complain as I don’t know where I would be with the pair of them nagging at me to get things done. Dead or on the streets at the very least. Maybe even dead out on the streets. My mortality is become oh so real to me lately. There is a race going on in my body. It’s between my Mind and my Pancreas. They are duelling over who will get the final blow in. My diabetes is out of control due to the medications I take for Bipolar and my Bipolar is casuing me to freak out about my diabetes. I actually think the stress of worrying about whats gonna kill me first will actually kill me first.

I am not going to keep writing tonight or else I will convince myself that it’s a good idea to do something stupid. I am just going to surf around looking for picture of cute kittens and puppy dogs just to make myself feel better.

Until Next Time…

Another Day

Yep just another day in my life. Well not exactly JUST another day but it’s been pretty mundane. I have been freaking, as usual, about something way out of my control. This morning when the postman delivered our mail I was presented with the IB50 form from the Incapacity Benefit people. I knew that getting IB was to simple. This is just the start i tell ya, it’s going to end up with me having to go to Stalag 13 and have a medical and then my benefit will be stopped because they will find out that I am a fraud and am not really ill because I was having a particularly good day on the day of the medical. See what I mean, Freaking out of my own head. I have tried to pretty much keep this to myself but I don’t think I succeded to well. Mum being the form filling demon that she is had a look and said it was a cake walk to fill in and half of the forms don’t apply to me. We’ll see… I have a bad feeling about this.

After my ponderance yesterday about my CPN making an appearance sometime soon, I got a phone call this morning and she has asked to see me tomorrow afternoon at 3pm. No doubt I will get the usual health lecture about my weight and lack of exercise. It’s a bit difficult to excercise when you can’t face leaving the house unattended. Hell I can’t even walk to the shops just around the corner on my own without having a panic attack. I would take more Lorazapam but I am afraid I will become addicted to the stuff. I only get enough for 2 pills a day for a month. I take one every evening and have one spare if I do have to go out. If I went out the amount that is suggested by the doctors and CPN I would run out by mid month and be screwed for the rest of the month. I guess I will have to ask the GP to up the amount of pills he gives me or really start to suck it up and start going Lozzie free.

That’s about it from me this evening.

Until Next Time…