I would have written sooner but ya see it just wasn’t flowing. I have about ten partially started in my drafts folder that one day I may finish. I am doing fairly well. No major things going on. I seem to “Just Get By” most of the days lately.
I recently told a friend that I was BiPolar and it wasn’t a big thing for me or her. She was sympathetic to the fact that I lost my job last Octopber but there was no poor you. This my friends is a good thing to know that my friends from back in the day still accept the Grumpy ol bastard that I was back then as still the Grumpy ol bastard that I am now.
They have discotinued the Medication Management Clinic at my local MHT. This means that the long drawn out recovery period has been drastically cut short and I have only been weened off of two drugs. I was expecting to come down to mono-treatment as I was on a duo-treatment (and for the most part still am). They took me off the Flupentixol and Lorazapam and put me onto Diazapam and now they have weened me off that. I really wanted the cahnge so I felt that I had to go along with the changes that were put forward even though that in little under a week I willl be totally without anti anxiety medication all together. They have refered me to a lady at the Bungalow in town who specializes in Relaxation and anxiety management techniques. So that could help but I dunno I have been medicated so long I am a bit afraid of going it alone.
On a final note… if any of you read this just keep a thought in your heads for aethelread from http://aethelreadtheunread.wordpress.com/. He’s been MIA for a couple of weeks and some are getting a little worried about him.
I am having problems breathing. I don’t know if it’s a panic thing or if it’s a congestion thing. I can breathe through my nose fine but if i do I feel like I am drowning… hence I am a dreaded mouth breather today and that makes for interesting listening when I am on the phone.
I have a plan for a second blog…. in fact it’s already in place. It has been for several months, I just don’t seem to be able to get up the ooommmppphhh to get it started. Once I start it it will run itself. Well, not run itself but once it’s running I’ll be more motivated to post more often. If anyone reads this sporadic blog will know my track record is not a good recommendation for starting a second one.
I am still going through medication management and we have now gotten me off of Flupentixol all together with very little negatives. I am off Lorazapam and on Diazapam. We have reduced it down to 2mgs a day with the option of a third mg if needed. Today is the first day I have needed it in the past week. I really miss my little blue friends at times. I probably shouldn’t admit that as it probably shows a certain degree of reliance on them… or if you want to put in in plainer terms I miss them because I was getting or had gotten addicted to them. Wow that was a weird thing to admit in the open.
I haven’t been writing much of anything lately… updates for here… my medication management diaries, they have all gone for a burton. I just haven’t had a creative urge in ages. I have all but given up on entering the Art exhibition later this year as I don’t think I will ever be able to come up with anything remotely worthy of displaying to the public. I could drag something up from the archives but that just seems like it’s cheating and no effort has been expended for the occassion and they deserve better than that. But who knows things may change and I’ll have a creative spurt and ream off loads of new stuff and I’ll have an abundance of stuff to offer… ooohhh look mummy pigs are flying in the sky.
Well that’s it from me for now… I can’t think of anything else except I feel blurgh and ack.
As you may have noticed things have been pretty quiet around here with the exception of a spate of posts made about my medication management diary. There will be more of those coming so you will see a lot more posts from me in the near future.
I have been mostly absent from the blogosphere for the past month due to having not much enthusiasm to write. I have to keep the diary so I will be writing more from now on whether I like it or not. Part of my “homework” for medication management, apart from the diary was to create a list of what I like doing for myself. It seems that I am not focusing on the positives that I like doing and I need to be doing more of that apparently. It seems so self indulgent to think just of me when Mum and Linda are going through the same hard times I am. OK they don’t have the voices and hallucinations to deal with or the lack of ability to go out unaided. But things are tight here and we are all having to make bigish sacrifices just to make it from one pay day to the next. I dread the next email I get from the bank. They only email me to tell me they are charging me a fee for going overdrawn on my overdraft or to say I have a statement waiting to be read. It’s usually the previous.
Any way back to that list:
Using the Computer
Listening to Old Radio Plays
Contributing of various On-line radio Forums
Digital Graphic Art
Looking back over that list I must seem like a very insular person. None of it involves leaving the house. I seem to have become entrenched in the house. I wouldn’t even know where to start to find a hobby that involved leaving the house. There is some talk of my joining a creative writing group at the local library but I don’t have any details on that yet. I do need to find something to do outside of the house, especially seeing as I don’t see myself being back in work anytime soon. If the Bipolar doesn’t kibosh me the economy will. Who in this climate is going to employ a liability like me. Oh well it will all sort itself out in the long run.
I am on week 5 of my medication management programme. I am finally reducing some of the medications. MY Flupentixol is down to 0.5mg am and 1mg at night and I have been taken off of my wonder drug Lorazapam and had it replaced with Diazapam originally at 5mgs and today reduced down to 4mgs. I haven’t really noticed much in the way of withdrawals from the Lorazapam which is something they were worried about. The change over to Diazapam has been smooth. The reason for the change in dosage today was because I mentioned that I had been sleeping a lot over the past week so the doctor reduced the Diazapam too see if that would help.
My life skills group ended the week before last and I miss it. OK I may not have gotten the most out of the group but I did get some good info and it was nice to meet up with a group of people every week to talk. The groups were very loose and our conversations often strayed off course and it was all very anecdotal. everyone had at least one story to share each week and it made the two hours of the group fly by. I look forward to any other groups I can get involved with. My spirit seems lifted after being involved in a talking therapy group type situation. I think it must have something to do with getting out of the house and having someone else to talk to other than the dust bunnies growing around my mouse pad.
I sem to be having problems sleeping. I have been up all night now. It’s now 5.30am and I am still not tired. So i figure I will just stay awake until I do get tired or fall asleep sat at the computer. No doubt the later will happen sooner or later. Linda and Mumn will be getting up to get ready for work soon and I will just sit back and wait to wave them bye bye. I don’t know what’s more depressing, not being able to work or having to work when your sick. I wish there was an easy answer but I just don’t see it at the moment.
The sun is coming up outside. So I will confine this to the archive and say:
All of the calm I had felt the past couple of days had evaporated by this morning. My anxiety levels were way up and I didn’t think I would cope with going out today and it took and a daytime Lorazapam to get me out of the door.
It was the last Life Skills group today and after missing last week I felt that I would stick out like a sore thumb and not get much out of the group today.
Once the group got started I felt a bit penned in and was kind of stage struck (best way I can put it). I felt like everything was going over my head and I had nothing of value to contribute to the discussion. It wasn’t until after the break we took that Isabelle coaxed me into the conversation and I started having a little more input. Once I got involved my anxiety started to calm down and I almost forgot that I was in a room with 8 virtual strangers and I was talking about personal stuff.
One thing that did surprise me today was the fact that I gave an honest evaluation of my anxiety levels since I started these life skills groups. When I started I rated myself as a 2 on a scale of 1 being the most anxious I get and 10 being the least. Today when we filled out the end of course evaluation I rated myself as an 8. I filled the form out as quickly as I could giving the most honest answers I could and I surprised myself at that score. I have felt that my anxiety levels have dropped considerably since I started. I still get very anxious if I have to go out by myself but that’s OK and I have ways of dealing with it. There are days when I can’t handle it and I feel like hiding away but if I am out and the anxiety levels creep up on me I have ways to handle that now. I try and relax properly for ten minutes before I go out and then just breathe my way through town.
I spoke to Isabelle about the art project they are running over the next few months and thought it sounded quite exciting and thought I could get involved. Finally, something to get excited about.
I am going to miss the weekly get out of the house and get together with a group of people and have a chat. I haven’t had anything like that in all the time I have been in Corby. I have been so insular and kept to myself. Even when I was working I never really mixed with everyone. I think I went out on 5 nights out with the various teams I was on in 6 years with the company.
Leaving the group was not so much a problem more of a bit of a niggle, All I had to do was walk to the end of the road to get in a taxi. I wasn’t up to going into town today I just wanted to get home and close the door. Funny how I was fine whilst I was out, but inside with strangers but send me out into the outside world in the fresh air I am a bag of nerves.
Came home and just plugged my iPod in and forgot about the world for a while. Again I felt the need to block out the world and that’s pretty much how the rest of the evening went. I stayed in my little corner on the computer with headphones on.
Another 50/50 failure and success day I guess.
The good news is that my voices have settled down to a dull roar these past week or so. My iPod has been my constant companion ever since I got it. I have listed to the entire Hitch Hikers Guide Trilogy in five parts over the past ten days. Things got pretty bad for a while and I ended up scratching myself raw again in three places on my arm, just in time for visits to the dentist so on one of the warmest days of the year so far I had to wear a long sleeved shirt just to cover up the mess I made of my arms. As usual once the blood stopped flowing on my arms and the lasting sting radiated from my scratches my mood improved, I had proved to myself again that I need a painful wake up call to bring me out of my funk. Not the healthiest way of beating depression and not one I would advocate to anyone.
As I have written before I do not class myself a s a classic self harmer. Maybe I am in denial about it. The way I see it is that I don’t do it very often so it’s not a compulsion thing, I do it to break a cycle… the more I think about it, maybe it is a compulsion. I know what the outcome will be. I know that my mood will lift once the scratches scab over and I get the stinging feeling every time i move my arm. I know that some kind of chemical reaction takes place that tells my brain that I CAN feel more than just plain old misery.
My mood whilst it’s been on the way up over the past few days, today I am bored as all hell and it’s having it’s effect. I am restless and listless and I am getting in the mood for doing something crazy just to break up the monotony. I have listened to my iPod ever since I got up and I must have heard 100 songs on a random shuffle mode and I have only skipped one or two because they didn’t fit the mood. It’s going to need charging soon and then I am going to have to find something else to take my mind off of things… I don’t know if I’ll cope…lol
I received a letter from the CMHT Saturday. My medication management is now due to begin on the 7th of April starting with a 1 hour getting to know you and all your bad shit history. I am taking my Mum along with me to that one. Maybe she can fill in some of the blanks that have developed over the past few years of over medication and medicine abuse my brain has been put through. Also in the envelope was a second letter from a nice lady who is running a course of Anxiety workshops that my ever so kind CPN has referred me too (sarcasm off). So far I have spoken to three different people about this anxiety management workshops and they all seem to think it’s a good idea. My only problem is that it means going out on my own and that causes me more anxiety than anything else. Not to mention having to open up in front of a bunch of strangers. I can talk for England but can I still do it in front of a bunch of strangers.
Looking back to my 20′s when I used to call myself an Actor (hahahah who would have thunk it me an Actor) I could get up on a stage and be anyone you wanted me to be with minimal notice. I played 70 year old men and I played gay hairdressers and I played several women. I couldn’t do that now if my life depended on it. For starters I could never learn a text off by heart these days. I couldn’t be as out going as i used to be for fear of being laughed at instead of with. I miss those days, I really wish that I had been able to continue when I moved from my home town to Kent but there were no decent theatre groups nearby. When I finally went to college to get a real qualification in Theatre I ended up having my first real meltdown and ended up quitting at the start of my second year. The course was demanding but the tutors had no people skills. They expected far to much and if you didn’t provide the goods you got the rough end of the stick… I didn’t miss that place in the slightest… but it still left a big hole but once my meltdown had been resolved and I started thinking a little more clearly I realised that I had left a bad place for something more stable..Real Life.
I have to have a test to see if i have COPD tomorrow. I dunno what COPD stands for i just know that it’s a fancy term for Emphysema. I called up to enquire why I had been summoned to have these tests I was told it was something to do with end of year financials or something like that… when they called me back they made out like it was something to do with the fact I have Asthma. I’ll be buggered if they are finding anything else wrong with me. I can’t handle the thought of it. Maybe that’s what’s put me in a pissy mood today knowing I have to go through that bullshit and then have to go to my second Pathways to Work meeting tomorrow. I really can’t be arsed with any of it at the m0ment, people want to much of me and it’s annoying.
Anywho that’s all I am gonna piss and moan about today. Hope everyone enjoys the rest of your Sunday and your next week ahead isn’t as busy and annoying as mine is going to be. Be Safe and Be Lucky.
I have a new toy. I have an iPod and it came at just the right time. My voices are attacking me full pelt this week. It’s been so hard to concentrate without music playing, my family think I have gone off them as I have been plugged into the bloody thing since Friday morning when it arrived. It’s “Chromatic Green” as the sales bumph would have me told. It’s the 16gig version so I have a few audio books and about 50 albums on there. I didn’t realise how eclectic my musical tastes were till I tried to put a play list together for an iPod.
I feel like I am now a fully fledged gadget freak. From my first little 128mb no name mp3 player I had 5 years ago to have having the named mp3 player today. I don’t like to rush things, but from what I have experienced the past three days I will never buy anything other than iPod from now on. I’ll even buy them as gifts for people who don’t want them. I have been listening to lots of different music lately… Kings of Leon why haven’t I heard these guys before Only By The Night is a great album and they deserved their Brit award the other night. The Foo Fighters another band that my little brother has been badgering me to listen to. Now I have I am gonna have to look up more of their stuff. I have even found the time to listen to the whole of the Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy audio book for the first time in god knows how long. I didn’t realise how much I had missed not listening to it through headphones. I mean you aren’t missing out on subliminal messages or anything like that, but you actually have the words going straight into your head and not wafting around the room when you listen through speakers. I have listened to the radio play so many times I know it virtually verbatim but the book has so much more detail…. I have encoded the other four books into audio book format and have them on my iPod too so when I get a few hours when i don’t feel like listening to music I can listen to a book.
Surprisingly to me it doesn’t matter what I am listening to it seems to quiet the voices. I had always though that listening to a spoken word piece would be too cluttered as the voices would over power it, but listening to HHGTTG didn’t get overpowered. It was a pleasant surprise.
In Other BP related news. I have been discharged from the care of my CPN. Apparently she has a new “ROLE” within the mental heath team and is no longer “on the road.” I am to still call the MHT if I need them but my main care will be through the medication management team and my PDoc. Now this is not to bad It was the same as it was before I was assigned a CPN, but I have two small problems with this set up. The last three MM meetings have been cancelled (no Scratch that) EVERY meeting with the medication Management team has been cancelled and I have no appointment to start again. I got myself so psyched up to take part in this and gove it my all and now they are playing silly arses. The other problems was raised earlier this week when we called down to the MHT to find out when my last appointment was (My IB50 form needed that info) and my mum was told that my next Pdoc appointment was not scheduled until MAY. that would be about a 4 month gap between meetings… I am not happy about that esspecially seeing as the MM meetings aren’t happening and my medications are on the frizz again. A Psychotic episode like the one I am in at the moment hasn’t lasted this long in quite some time and it’s starting to worry me.
But anyway I have to go to bed now, I have a meeting in the morning with a team of employment trainers who are going to help me get trained for some kind of work in computers (I hope). It was set up for me by the Pathways to Work people I met with last Monday as part of the Incapacity Benefit agreement. I have to have 5 of these meetings and as long as I keep attending and saying all the right things and doing all the right things and not messing up in my usual style I will get to keep my benefit as long as I need it and who knows I may actually get trained to do a job I enjoy rather than hate and get stressed about. We’ll see.