I wish I had a set of goals that I could look towards. Something to build my life up to. At the moment all I can manage is just to get up in the morning and keep my ass awake for the duration. I have started taking the Zopiclone at night to get me to sleep and keep me that way. I am only doing this so I don’t have to be awake any longer than is necessary. It’s not an ideal way of living life but it’s all I can muster at the moment.
I have two groups that I attend during the week and to be honest I don’t feel much like going to either. The first on a Monday is a discussion group. There are about 10 people in the group and the idea is that a topic is chosen each week and then for the next 90 minutes we discuss said topic. Last week was quite good. We discussed Law and Order (not the TV show). I had a fair shake of saying my piece when I had an original thought that didn’t involve just the words, “I agree”.
The second group is a repeat of the relaxation group from before Christmas. Everyone missed the first week and about 6 people showed up for week 2. So a more manageable group size. I guess it doesn’t help that the building these groups are held is not the largest of buildings. For one to one meetings the room sizes are perfect. Nice and cosy and not to oppressive (unless they have all the heaters on and then it’s like a sauna). It’s great to have somewhere I can go to let off a little steam a couple of times a week, as I don’t really have anything else in my life to call my own. I escape by putting headphones on while I am on the computer and that is about the extent of my escape.
Putting myself out there is proving to be harder than I thought it would. I could probably handle a smaller group but to be honest I think it could have something to do with my being the youngest of the group (or at least I think I am). The size of the group is a little intimidating and it got quite loud last week. Not that I mind a heated debate but it seemed that it was the same two people talking and getting more and more self agitated. The mood I am in right now I would probably put my foot in it and tell them to shut the fuck up. I think I will give Tomorrows meeting a miss. As the old saying goes…”If you don’t have anything good to say…. Say Nothing!!!”
(Skip forward a few hours)
I came clean with Mum and my wife about how I am feeling. Both came up with the same idea that I should phone the MHT tomorrow morning and see what they say. Mum and I are going into town at some point tomorrow, maybe I’ll be able to get an emergency appointment with the Pdoc. I’ll deal with that in the morning. My problem still remains, how do I explain how I am feeling when I can’t explain it to myself. I KNOW how I feel but putting it into words to some one else is a totally different proposition. The closest I came to it tonight was to try and explain that “there was a fire under my skin that can’t break through”. All very Jim Morrison like but the best I could do. I just want to rip the skin off of my bones and let it out that way. I guess that’s the Self Harmer in me trying to get out. It’s a struggle not to do it, the one thing stopping me is the feeling of letting everyone down when I do it. I get such sorrowful looks that it makes me feel ten times worse.
I am going to call it a night soon and just go hide away in my dark little room alone and hope the night passes quickly. Well I can always hope…
Until Next Time…
I would have written sooner but ya see it just wasn’t flowing. I have about ten partially started in my drafts folder that one day I may finish. I am doing fairly well. No major things going on. I seem to “Just Get By” most of the days lately.
I recently told a friend that I was BiPolar and it wasn’t a big thing for me or her. She was sympathetic to the fact that I lost my job last Octopber but there was no poor you. This my friends is a good thing to know that my friends from back in the day still accept the Grumpy ol bastard that I was back then as still the Grumpy ol bastard that I am now.
They have discotinued the Medication Management Clinic at my local MHT. This means that the long drawn out recovery period has been drastically cut short and I have only been weened off of two drugs. I was expecting to come down to mono-treatment as I was on a duo-treatment (and for the most part still am). They took me off the Flupentixol and Lorazapam and put me onto Diazapam and now they have weened me off that. I really wanted the cahnge so I felt that I had to go along with the changes that were put forward even though that in little under a week I willl be totally without anti anxiety medication all together. They have refered me to a lady at the Bungalow in town who specializes in Relaxation and anxiety management techniques. So that could help but I dunno I have been medicated so long I am a bit afraid of going it alone.
On a final note… if any of you read this just keep a thought in your heads for aethelread from http://aethelreadtheunread.wordpress.com/. He’s been MIA for a couple of weeks and some are getting a little worried about him.
Keep the Faith.
Until Next Time…
I haven’t felt like blogging the past few days. The adventure that was tooth extractions went decidedly painful. From the list of things I couldn’t do after the procedure I was led to believe that I would be over it in 24 hours… after all that’s how long I couldn’t smoke for couldn’t drink very hot or very cold drinks or I couldn’t do VIGOROUS exercise. The no smoking thing was on a hiding to nothing.. no way was I going through that much pain and not smoking. It made for funny viewing trying to watch me roll and smoke a cigarette on Wednesday. It was a good thing that Mum thought ahead and bought me 20 Marlboro for just such an occasion. I do believe that the dentist injected my jaw with enough Lidocane to numb a baby rhino. At least I didn’t bite through my cheek this time (which is what I did the last time I had my mouth numbed).
My medication management meeting was understandably cancelled again this week. I woke up Tuesday morning and knew there would be a message on my answer machine telling me that it was cancelled and lo there it was a message. So I called the MHT and spoke to the nurse who part of the MM team and was told that the Doctor who runs the course was unable to get in due to the snow. I haven’t heard from them since so I have no idea when my next appointment will be. Hopefully not to long as I am now eager to get this all started, the anticipation is building.
I have been reading quite a few MH blogs of late and one thing has struck me. The complicated words used are sometimes so confusing that I often give up reading. Now I am not saying that bloggers should dumb down thier blogs just for me, but really do they have to use a 15 letter word when two 5 letter words will do the job just as well and will most likely not confuse the reader. Maybe it’s just me, maybe I should have a little dictionary or thesaurus sat by the computer when I read my blogs. I hope that I don’t confuse my readers (if there are any)? I usually write in the fashion in which i speak. My writing is usually just a blurt of what is on my mind. I don’t edit to well. I usually go over the post with a spell check and 90% of the time it catches my mistakes and when it doesn’t Meh! I don’t really care. I usually catch the odd mistake when i read through after posting and I will edit then.
Oh well it’s nearly bedtime so…
Until Next Time…
It’s that time of year where I guess I should be making some kind of plans or resolutions for the year ahead. Well, I would but I know I would just break them within a week. So here are some recommendations for myself for the year coming up.
- Read More – I am an appallingly bad reader. I start a book and give up on it within the first chapter. I gotta get more reading done, it might improve my writing some too.
- Lose Weight – I gotta do something I don’t walk any more I waddle.
- Exercise – Just get some is all I am saying
- Write More – I need to buckle down and write more than I do now… be it blogging or creative I just have to write more and release some of the pent up frustration that my hands feel more and more lately
- Wise up to my own Health – I am going to find out what I am taking and what they are for. I am starting a Medication Management course through the MHT in mid January. I plan on asking lots of questions.
2008 was pretty sucky for me. losing my job in October was a particular low point. It finaly proved that the illness is starti8ng to win. I had lost control of my life and I still don’t have any of it back. I can’t leave the house unaccompanied (even though I do try… I go to my dentists appointments on my own, but that is just in a taxi out of the taxi in the office out the office in a taxi out of a taxi and back home.. it’s no big achievement really).
I am not including getting out of the house unaided in my list of things to be done in 09 as I don’t think that that is at all realistic and is not something that should be rushed. It will happen when it happens.
Here’s to a prosperous new year and hopefully a healthier one for all of us
Until Next Time…