So it’s been a couple of weeks but nothing much has changed. I am still fluctuating between rage at the world and maddening depression. One day I want to rip some ones head off and piss down the throat of my victim, the next day I don’t want to get out of bed and function in any way that would even resemble normality. I am dealing with it the best I can. my Psychiatrist has taken me of the promazine and started Lorazapam again twice daily with an optional third if I need it. All the time I spent during last year getting of Lorazapam has all been undone in one phone call. It wasn’t until someone mentioned to me that I had Medication Management to get off the bloody things before that I put two and two together. Oh well, at least I am not a zombie for the whole day just most of the AM period with the Zopiclone.
I have noticed that my “normal” everyday drugs are making me more drowsy. I don’t know why or how I am noticing this because the Zopiclone masks so much of what I feel. But there have been days where I haven’t taken Zopiclone and have still felt whacked out by the drugs from the night before. I am losing weight, maybe that has some effect on the side effects. The weight has been coming off for over two years and I am now down to my lowest weight in years certainly since I came back from the states in 2002.
Talking of weight loss, last Wednesday I started taking twice daily injections of a drug called Byetta. If you can’t be bothered to read all that guff and to be honest I got lost a few times getting through it, Byetta is a diabetes drug that is pretty new to the market and is kinda unique in my drug regime… It induces weight loss. The way it works is that you inject any time an hour before you eat and as you eat signals are sent to your brain saying that you have eaten enough and are getting full, thus making you eat less. This in theory is great but when you don’t gauge how much is enough you end up with a delayed bloating and you can feel very uncomfortable for several hours afterwards as I have found out most of the past week. Tonight is probably the first night where I haven’t felt uncomfortable, that’s mainly because we only had grilled ham and cheese toasties for dinner.. which is just two ham and cheese sandwiches and that wouldn’t normally phase me but tonight I feel like I have eaten a full meal. It’s a learning curve and no doubt by the time I go back to have my dosage increased I’ll have another two weeks of getting used to it. I just hope it’s doing the diabetes side of things good too. Eating less is only part of my struggle though… for it to be truly effective I have to start actively trying to keep fit. I don’t like the sound of it but I may have to dust off the exercise bike and try putting in a few miles on that thing.
Well That’s about all from me tonight.. I leave you with a little Pinkness.. Run Like Hell from Knebworth in 1990… my mate Nigel was there… Lucky Bastard.
Here’s the dealio daddio. I have been up since 5.30am (that’s with taking Zopiclone at 1am). It’s now 18.45 and I haven’t slept yet. Feeling a bot weary with it all and just wondering why I decided to wash all the bed linen in one go. I am sure that brain fart was waiting to happen. I am surviving on caffeine.. both Coke Zero and coffee have been my constant companion all day.
My Moods are still raging and they have been for the past two weeks, it’s just that the Promazine knocked me on my ass for the past 12 days that I haven’t been able to sit and focus and write anything. Now I start I am unsure where this post will go. It could end here….
Anyway it’s been a bit of a weird one. Linda had the day off, which for a Sunday is strange as she usually has to work and the only time she gets a Sunday off is if she is sick or she books it as a holiday… to make things even weirder, she has next Sunday off too. Will wonders never cease. I haven’t known what to do with myself all day. Well I had a few ideas but none clean enough for mixed company. Usually I would have been listening to music all day but with her being here I haven’t had any on since everyone got up at around 8.30 this morning. I was having a quite nice Gary Numan morning up to then and from there it kinda went screwy and the TV took over and Gary kinda went out of the window.
Back to the mood thing for a moment, I am going to call the CMHT tomorrow to try and get to see my Pdoc for another go at finding a way around this raging rage I have been going through. It’s like I have the hormones of a 16 year old with bad acne. I know what a 16 year old with bad acne feels like… I was one for a whole year. It’s bad enough that I am still getting these raging mood swings but the Promazine made me dopey as all hell and I spent the best part of the past two weeks asleep. It’s not as if it’s been very satisfying sleep either.. it’s been sporadic and broken… hour long naps punctuated by hour long stoopers. I am just hoping that the Pdoc can give me some other “therapy” that will alleviate these swings that I am feeling.
I haven’t been to a group in two weeks. I haven’t trusted my judgement to go and interact with people and not rip their heads off if they say the slightest thing wrong. I haven’t phoned them either so I need to make that grovelling phone call tomorrow too to make sure they don’t think I have lost interest in being part of the groups. I think it may be to late for this round of groups to get back into it, I don’t think it’s fair to be a fair weather group member. Everyone else moves on with the group interactions and then I turn up and try and slot back in as if nothing ever happened. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that if I was in that position. So I shall see if they can keep me informed of any future groups that happen and just generally feel out the situation when I speak to the care workers there.
I have restarted rebuilding my original blog again. Nik and I spent an enjoyable couple of hours transferring spnak.com back to it’s top level tld and off it’s sub domain. It wasn’t as hard as it could have been. The hardest part was going through and re-altering all the image links I had spent two hours doing up the week before when I originally had the idea to start the blog again. After a few initial problems with Barrack Obama it all went smoothly. I just have to make a firm plan of where I want to take that blog so as it doesn’t detract from this one. Before it was a catch-all blog that my everyday life went into. Now I have to separate my Bipolar postings and my every day postings between the two. It’s going to be fin to have another place to write and splurge my bullshit. I still have plans for a Cult/Horror blog called Stumpfinger. I have the domain and the hosting space all taken care of. Nik was talking about using a different content management system for it, but when he’ll have the time to build it is anybodies guess. I am kind of in love with WordPress. It’s what I know and I know it pretty well. I just don’t know how it all TECHNICALLY works, all i know is that it does what it says on the tin.
I guess I have spilled over and blurred the lines of what should go on what blog but my fingers just started running and BAM here I am at almost 900 words and I am no nearer working out where the post should go… so I am going to put a cap on it and say…