I posted yesterday on Twitter that my mood was basically shot to all hell. I haven’t felt this down in quite some time, so venting out on Twitter was an unusual thing for me. I usually like to keep my emotions to myself and this blog. Twitter is for a bit of fun and supporting the friends I have made on there. I see so much drama on Twitter, I don’t need to add to it.
For me to open up and blurt out that my world was about as low as it could go was a big thing. I didn’t expect replies but I got a couple. The one that spoke to me the most was from @moodmonster who suggested that I could be going through post election slump. After sitting back and thinking about that for the past 24 hours I think she may be right. She said that she had been very down after George W. Bush was elected. To be honest I think EVERYONE was the same, the American presidential race and the President himself is a global office, so much more so than the Prime Minister of the UK. That’s not to say that Prime Ministers are not important but they don’t have the same , you know….. RAW POWER behind them. I am sure that the New York Times and Washington Post didn’t have front page splashes of Gordon Brown leaving Number 10 and have the Lizard Boy David Cameron turn up and take over the mantle. It’s just not the same.
I seem to have a few triggers that are event related:
The Death of my Father – I was undiagnosed at the time but looking back I see all of the signs
Actually being Diagnosed with Bipolar had a really hard effect on me – I kind of went into meltdown for about a month after I was told. The world was against me
9/11 I was depressed and emotionally wrought for weeks after that event and I only watched it on TV.
I have everyday triggers that seem irrational to me as a person aged 36. If I don’t get my own way I can be a petulant little child. I will and DO sulk in a literal corner for hours. I can be a moody teenager who sits in his literal corner and just blasts music until the world goes away. If I have to deal with bureaucracy of any kind… Bill Collectors, Catalogue Company, Doctors Office, I get very stressy and wish someone else would deal with it and often I will put off something to my own detriment. Hell I lost the best credit card deal ever because I avoided the telephone for three months and now my credit rating is screwed for the next 18 months (It was three years but that was 18 months ago).
I really wish that my triggers ended there.. but they don’t. and they are to ingrained in me to explain properly. I have auditory and visual hallucinations, and when they get to strong and to forthright in my head I get triggered to start doing some weird shit to try and force them back. The latest being I now trry and engage them in meaningful conversation to try and find out what they want and what I could possibly do to make them be quiet or even heaven help me go away permanently. The answer is always the same
“Shut ya face FATBOY… We’re here to stay”
Lovely peoples I hang with eh?
enough of my rambling witterings. The best advice I can cack handedly offer is… DON’T LET THE BASTARDS GET YA DOWN.
Oh Yeah Pdoc appointment tomorrow… will update with what he says then.
So it’s been a couple of weeks but nothing much has changed. I am still fluctuating between rage at the world and maddening depression. One day I want to rip some ones head off and piss down the throat of my victim, the next day I don’t want to get out of bed and function in any way that would even resemble normality. I am dealing with it the best I can. my Psychiatrist has taken me of the promazine and started Lorazapam again twice daily with an optional third if I need it. All the time I spent during last year getting of Lorazapam has all been undone in one phone call. It wasn’t until someone mentioned to me that I had Medication Management to get off the bloody things before that I put two and two together. Oh well, at least I am not a zombie for the whole day just most of the AM period with the Zopiclone.
I have noticed that my “normal” everyday drugs are making me more drowsy. I don’t know why or how I am noticing this because the Zopiclone masks so much of what I feel. But there have been days where I haven’t taken Zopiclone and have still felt whacked out by the drugs from the night before. I am losing weight, maybe that has some effect on the side effects. The weight has been coming off for over two years and I am now down to my lowest weight in years certainly since I came back from the states in 2002.
Talking of weight loss, last Wednesday I started taking twice daily injections of a drug called Byetta. If you can’t be bothered to read all that guff and to be honest I got lost a few times getting through it, Byetta is a diabetes drug that is pretty new to the market and is kinda unique in my drug regime… It induces weight loss. The way it works is that you inject any time an hour before you eat and as you eat signals are sent to your brain saying that you have eaten enough and are getting full, thus making you eat less. This in theory is great but when you don’t gauge how much is enough you end up with a delayed bloating and you can feel very uncomfortable for several hours afterwards as I have found out most of the past week. Tonight is probably the first night where I haven’t felt uncomfortable, that’s mainly because we only had grilled ham and cheese toasties for dinner.. which is just two ham and cheese sandwiches and that wouldn’t normally phase me but tonight I feel like I have eaten a full meal. It’s a learning curve and no doubt by the time I go back to have my dosage increased I’ll have another two weeks of getting used to it. I just hope it’s doing the diabetes side of things good too. Eating less is only part of my struggle though… for it to be truly effective I have to start actively trying to keep fit. I don’t like the sound of it but I may have to dust off the exercise bike and try putting in a few miles on that thing.
Well That’s about all from me tonight.. I leave you with a little Pinkness.. Run Like Hell from Knebworth in 1990… my mate Nigel was there… Lucky Bastard.
Here’s the dealio daddio. I have been up since 5.30am (that’s with taking Zopiclone at 1am). It’s now 18.45 and I haven’t slept yet. Feeling a bot weary with it all and just wondering why I decided to wash all the bed linen in one go. I am sure that brain fart was waiting to happen. I am surviving on caffeine.. both Coke Zero and coffee have been my constant companion all day.
My Moods are still raging and they have been for the past two weeks, it’s just that the Promazine knocked me on my ass for the past 12 days that I haven’t been able to sit and focus and write anything. Now I start I am unsure where this post will go. It could end here….
Anyway it’s been a bit of a weird one. Linda had the day off, which for a Sunday is strange as she usually has to work and the only time she gets a Sunday off is if she is sick or she books it as a holiday… to make things even weirder, she has next Sunday off too. Will wonders never cease. I haven’t known what to do with myself all day. Well I had a few ideas but none clean enough for mixed company. Usually I would have been listening to music all day but with her being here I haven’t had any on since everyone got up at around 8.30 this morning. I was having a quite nice Gary Numan morning up to then and from there it kinda went screwy and the TV took over and Gary kinda went out of the window.
Back to the mood thing for a moment, I am going to call the CMHT tomorrow to try and get to see my Pdoc for another go at finding a way around this raging rage I have been going through. It’s like I have the hormones of a 16 year old with bad acne. I know what a 16 year old with bad acne feels like… I was one for a whole year. It’s bad enough that I am still getting these raging mood swings but the Promazine made me dopey as all hell and I spent the best part of the past two weeks asleep. It’s not as if it’s been very satisfying sleep either.. it’s been sporadic and broken… hour long naps punctuated by hour long stoopers. I am just hoping that the Pdoc can give me some other “therapy” that will alleviate these swings that I am feeling.
I haven’t been to a group in two weeks. I haven’t trusted my judgement to go and interact with people and not rip their heads off if they say the slightest thing wrong. I haven’t phoned them either so I need to make that grovelling phone call tomorrow too to make sure they don’t think I have lost interest in being part of the groups. I think it may be to late for this round of groups to get back into it, I don’t think it’s fair to be a fair weather group member. Everyone else moves on with the group interactions and then I turn up and try and slot back in as if nothing ever happened. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that if I was in that position. So I shall see if they can keep me informed of any future groups that happen and just generally feel out the situation when I speak to the care workers there.
I have restarted rebuilding my original blog again. Nik and I spent an enjoyable couple of hours transferring spnak.com back to it’s top level tld and off it’s sub domain. It wasn’t as hard as it could have been. The hardest part was going through and re-altering all the image links I had spent two hours doing up the week before when I originally had the idea to start the blog again. After a few initial problems with Barrack Obama it all went smoothly. I just have to make a firm plan of where I want to take that blog so as it doesn’t detract from this one. Before it was a catch-all blog that my everyday life went into. Now I have to separate my Bipolar postings and my every day postings between the two. It’s going to be fin to have another place to write and splurge my bullshit. I still have plans for a Cult/Horror blog called Stumpfinger. I have the domain and the hosting space all taken care of. Nik was talking about using a different content management system for it, but when he’ll have the time to build it is anybodies guess. I am kind of in love with WordPress. It’s what I know and I know it pretty well. I just don’t know how it all TECHNICALLY works, all i know is that it does what it says on the tin.
I guess I have spilled over and blurred the lines of what should go on what blog but my fingers just started running and BAM here I am at almost 900 words and I am no nearer working out where the post should go… so I am going to put a cap on it and say…
I wish I had a set of goals that I could look towards. Something to build my life up to. At the moment all I can manage is just to get up in the morning and keep my ass awake for the duration. I have started taking the Zopiclone at night to get me to sleep and keep me that way. I am only doing this so I don’t have to be awake any longer than is necessary. It’s not an ideal way of living life but it’s all I can muster at the moment.
I have two groups that I attend during the week and to be honest I don’t feel much like going to either. The first on a Monday is a discussion group. There are about 10 people in the group and the idea is that a topic is chosen each week and then for the next 90 minutes we discuss said topic. Last week was quite good. We discussed Law and Order (not the TV show). I had a fair shake of saying my piece when I had an original thought that didn’t involve just the words, “I agree”.
The second group is a repeat of the relaxation group from before Christmas. Everyone missed the first week and about 6 people showed up for week 2. So a more manageable group size. I guess it doesn’t help that the building these groups are held is not the largest of buildings. For one to one meetings the room sizes are perfect. Nice and cosy and not to oppressive (unless they have all the heaters on and then it’s like a sauna). It’s great to have somewhere I can go to let off a little steam a couple of times a week, as I don’t really have anything else in my life to call my own. I escape by putting headphones on while I am on the computer and that is about the extent of my escape.
Putting myself out there is proving to be harder than I thought it would. I could probably handle a smaller group but to be honest I think it could have something to do with my being the youngest of the group (or at least I think I am). The size of the group is a little intimidating and it got quite loud last week. Not that I mind a heated debate but it seemed that it was the same two people talking and getting more and more self agitated. The mood I am in right now I would probably put my foot in it and tell them to shut the fuck up. I think I will give Tomorrows meeting a miss. As the old saying goes…”If you don’t have anything good to say…. Say Nothing!!!”
(Skip forward a few hours)
I came clean with Mum and my wife about how I am feeling. Both came up with the same idea that I should phone the MHT tomorrow morning and see what they say. Mum and I are going into town at some point tomorrow, maybe I’ll be able to get an emergency appointment with the Pdoc. I’ll deal with that in the morning. My problem still remains, how do I explain how I am feeling when I can’t explain it to myself. I KNOW how I feel but putting it into words to some one else is a totally different proposition. The closest I came to it tonight was to try and explain that “there was a fire under my skin that can’t break through”. All very Jim Morrison like but the best I could do. I just want to rip the skin off of my bones and let it out that way. I guess that’s the Self Harmer in me trying to get out. It’s a struggle not to do it, the one thing stopping me is the feeling of letting everyone down when I do it. I get such sorrowful looks that it makes me feel ten times worse.
I am going to call it a night soon and just go hide away in my dark little room alone and hope the night passes quickly. Well I can always hope…
It’s uncontrollable. It’s from the very pit of my soul. It’s a rage that is burning hard and heavy. I wish I could douse the flames and not feel this overwhelming anger towards everything. I am doing myself no favours. I am doing no one else any favours. It’s just an ever turning spinning on an axis rage that can’t be sated.
It started about two weeks ago and to be honest that’s why I haven’t written much anywhere, Facebook, Twitter or here, mostly out of fear of pissing someone off. I don’t know if writing this now is going to upset some but I have to let it out or it’s gonna cripple me. I am not manic, I know that much. I am still obsessing over stuff. I have cut way back on my spending and have only spent about £20 on Doctor Who stuff this month. Mind you Mum has bought me a couple of things as well. I think it’s her way of not letting me spend the money out of my bank account. I got almost everything I planned on getting with th exception of the Specials DVD. But I guess I can wait for that for a couple more weeks.
Back to the rage. I am pissed at everything. My life (or lack of it). The people I interact with on-line, so much drama and crazies going on. I feel like screaming at some people just to get their shit together and live life for the now. I think that and then wonder how would it feel if I said those things to myself and what would my reaction be. I should take myself out of the equation and stop following so rabidly all the stiff that goes on. My twitter feed is getting clogged up by so much stuff I don’t know where to begin. I want to be there for the people on my list but I have no idea where to begin in NOT saying some thing assholeish (yeah I made that word up). What’s the right thing to say to someone who is hurting and you have only one reaction and that’s to tell them to S.T.F.U?
I,of course, would never do that. I just want to know that I am not feeling alone in feeling these feelings and that others go through these phases. I wonder what would happen if I just deleted everything and started from scratch with a new identity? Not tell anyone who I am. Go back to using blogger and re-building the fragile network that I have built up. I have done it before and then came back once my head was straight. hell I lost about 6 months of my online life that way and still I end up back at square one.
Oh well sitting here moping about it isn’t going to solve anything.