Last Week

I meant to post all this last week but one thing led to another and I never got around to it.

Monday I went for my 6monthly Diabetes check up. I had had the blood work done the week before so now it was time to man up and go get the bad news. Diabetes appointments are usually always bad news for me. It’s either threats of my legs dropping off or the fact that I am gonna need Viagra some time in the future. I tell ya if I wasn’t depressed before I go in I usually an afterwards. As is my way at the moment I turned up a few minutes (read 15) early for the appointment, but was lucky that the Diabetic Nurse was running way early which meant I got seen pretty quick.

Getting my blood done was a risk seeing as it was only 5 months since my last test and the path lab are notorious for not repeating tests like the H-Test under the prescribed times. It seemed like they were playing silly arses again as my test results weren’t on the system, The Nurse had to phone through to the path lab to get them, they weren’t answering the phone… it took nearly an hour to get my results. Once we went through the normal questions… How are you? What have you been up to? Blah Blah Blah. We get done to the nitty gritty of doing the diabetes checks. Feet check… glad i washed em… Weight check… Lost 6lbs down to 19st 5lbs. I haven’t put wait on for quite a few months and have been steadily losing it for about 4 years. Now if I added exercise to my life I might really start losing weight, but it all too much bloody effort to be honest. I know I have to at some point or my heart is going to pack up one day…. but I just don’t know where to start. Answers on a postcard please. She asked me a few standard questions… when did I last have my eyes checked… ummmm the letter i just got said it’s over two years but I am not counting if they aren’t. To be honest after being in the consulting room for close to 40 minutes my bipolar head was starting to get a bit antsy. I had to give a urine sample and that came back just above normal for something or other. Finally after everything had been done the Nurse tried the Path Lab again for my H-Test results. After phoneing she was goven another direct number to use and after some argy bargy got the result and it turns out that my result was 8.9 down two whole points from my last test. Which is great seeing as it had been floating around 10-12 for the past couple of years (hence the leg dropping off and Viagra warnings).

Right at the very end of the meeting I mentioned about how disappointed I was at losing my appointments with the specialist Diabetes Nurse, after I explained the reasons she said that she would make more arrangements for me (and she did, I have another specialists appointment on the 15th of December.) The Nurse mentioned a new type of Diabetes medication that is being prescribed at the moment (I don’t remember the name sorry) that helps with weight loss as well as countering the effects of having Diabetes. She can’t prescribe I have to see the Diabetes Consultant for that and the waiting list is quite long, but he does have a new registrar so it could be sooner rather than later to see him. But it’s definitely not going to be this side of Christmas.

Fast forward to Wednesday and the Relaxation group started. I arrived a few minutes early and was asked to wait in the other meeting room whilst the facilitator finished prepping the room we would have the meeting in. All of a sudden I felt myself being very self concious. I felt as big as a house and knowing that a relaxation group would have breathing exercises included my chest got kind of tight and my breathing became a bit laboured. I had to relax myself enough to go through a relaxation course. A very bizarre feeling for sure.

Once in the room there was relaxing music and a soft wafting of some kind of aromatherapy oil and all the blinds were closed so it was kind of like my teenage bedroom all over again. there were 4 people at the gropup this week but she was expecting another four or six more next week. I felt it was just about comfortable with the ones we had there then. The room isn’t exactly the most spacious and if she expects Ten people to be in that room without anxiety levels shooting up she is a bit deluded me thinks.

The relaxation group runs like this:

A hello how ya doing intro
A 40 minute relaxation period (eyes closed listening to her talk about feeling lazy)
A coffee and a chat

At least that’s how it’s supposed to go. I guess We’ll see this next Wednesday.

We were given a wallet with some reading material and a few relaxation cd’s to listen to. I have ripped them and put them on my iPod for a relaxation on the go test. When I finally go out I will try it.

That’s about it for last week. The rest of the time I shamelessly hid away depressed and in my Pyjamas. I abused sleeping pills somewhat and slept a lot and wasn’t very nice to be around I guess. The depression is getting worse, and my ability to fight it is becoming less and less. It is getting harder to not take the sleeping pills just so I can sleep all day and avoid situation normal. I hate being this way but I can’t help it.
One of my so called friends from school posted on their Facebook page about How they have to keep working to pay for the Benefit Scroungers. I wanted to kick up such a fuss but then remembered that if I kicked up a fuss it would lead to questions which would lead to revelations which would lead to half of my year at school knowing that I finally went crazy and am now a walking medicine cabinet. I guess the stigma is in my head, but I know these people. These are the same people who teased me for being fat at school. Given half the chance they’d do the same now. that’s why i never put full body shots on Facebook only head shits from the shoulders up. At least the worst they can say then is I have a fat head and a weird haircut.

On enough of the pity party I am off to listen to the new Them Crooked Vultures CD on You Tube .

Until Next Time…


I don’t know. I really don’t. Probably not the best way to start a post but I am at a total loss at the moment. Everything seems to be so much blummin effort. The days seem three times longer than normal, I am sleeping more, which makes the days being longer thing even more bizarre. I just get into the swing of things and it takes a left turn into strangeworld. When I got up for the first time this morning I had a little pep about me. I had taken my last two Zopiclones last night so I thought I would be a zombie till lunch time like I have been for the past few days that I have taken them, but no. This morning I could have taken on the world. This lasted for about two and a half hours when all of a sudden Zombieland struck and i needed to lay down again.

Once i woke up again at about noonish I came down and found a letter from the DWP. Ahhhh I thought to myself, news about the old DLA claim. So I grab the letter and head to the lean to for a smokiedokey and to read the joys of benefit living. Rolled my cigarette and opened the letter. First thing that struck me was

Care Component

Well you could have knocked me on my ass with a wet feather. Not 18 months ago I had been awarded both mobility and care at lower rate and we had copied the forms almost verbatim. The forms had changed a little in the interim but not that much. Looking at the reply they sent to me and the reasons they gave for not awarding the care component it’s worded very cleverly so as to be very difficult for me to appeal the decision. We are all going to sit down and see what we can come up with at the weekend and if it turns out that we can work out some additional info that will help us and not make us sound like lieing scum that the Daily Mail would have everyone believe I am then I’ll call them on Monday or Tuesday and see if the will look into my case again.

The relaxation group was cancelled yesterday. I didn’t find that little nugget of joy out until I actually got the meeting place. If I had checked my answering machine I need not have gotten out of my Pyjamas and spent the money of taxi fares two ways. As my mum put it….” At least it got you out of the house for twenty minutes” to which she got a mumbled “Bollocks” back.

I am finding it harder and harder to relate to anything lately. It’s getting hard for me to open up about how  ma feeling to anyone. I am afraid that if I do they are just going to brush it off. Mum and my wife are always asking “whats up” I don’t know how much long “I dunno” is going to work for. It’s wearing pretty thin with me fuck knows what it’s doing to them. I just want the misery to ease up for a few hours. let me be the happy happy me for a while. Just give me that and I’ll be miserable for as long as you want after that.

Until Next Time…

Smaller Stuff.

I said a week or so ago that I would post some of my other artistic endeavours. I forgot about it and it was only when I was adding the last post that I scrolled down through my pages and saw that I had said I would do it. So here you go some of the forum sig files that I have done. They are all classed as being beginner standard but every small step makes a little dent in my useless barrier.


So there you have it. That is how I have been keeping myself busy. They are not much but every step to me at the moment is a big one. When I first got a copy of photoshop it was because my old programme didn’t do what I wanted it to any more. I was daunted and I beat myself up over getting the damn programme to do what I wanted it to do and not what it wanted to do…Photoshop is like that…has a mind of it’s own.

In other related news. I have been invited to a relaxation workshop tomorrow. It’s being run for the next 6 weeks and it’s done by the same woman who does my anxiety management meetings. Hopefully I’ll get a lot out of it… if not then at least once a week for an hour I will be chilled out.

Until Next Time…