**Trigger Warning for some talk of Self Harm in this blog post. If you think you may be affected by this please don’t read.**
Hey there, long time no speak, and I am back like a bad penny. It seems I use this blog like I use the Mental Health Services, when the crap hits the fan I dial up the IJAR blog and unload my woes. This time it’s almost 4am and the Creeping Heebie Jeebies are settled in for the second night running. If I call it that instead of a.n.x.i.e.t.y. it won’t be as bad, and will have that jovial sense of humour I am so well known for… HA! Continue reading →
I wish I had a set of goals that I could look towards. Something to build my life up to. At the moment all I can manage is just to get up in the morning and keep my ass awake for the duration. I have started taking the Zopiclone at night to get me to sleep and keep me that way. I am only doing this so I don’t have to be awake any longer than is necessary. It’s not an ideal way of living life but it’s all I can muster at the moment.
I have two groups that I attend during the week and to be honest I don’t feel much like going to either. The first on a Monday is a discussion group. There are about 10 people in the group and the idea is that a topic is chosen each week and then for the next 90 minutes we discuss said topic. Last week was quite good. We discussed Law and Order (not the TV show). I had a fair shake of saying my piece when I had an original thought that didn’t involve just the words, “I agree”.
The second group is a repeat of the relaxation group from before Christmas. Everyone missed the first week and about 6 people showed up for week 2. So a more manageable group size. I guess it doesn’t help that the building these groups are held is not the largest of buildings. For one to one meetings the room sizes are perfect. Nice and cosy and not to oppressive (unless they have all the heaters on and then it’s like a sauna). It’s great to have somewhere I can go to let off a little steam a couple of times a week, as I don’t really have anything else in my life to call my own. I escape by putting headphones on while I am on the computer and that is about the extent of my escape.
Putting myself out there is proving to be harder than I thought it would. I could probably handle a smaller group but to be honest I think it could have something to do with my being the youngest of the group (or at least I think I am). The size of the group is a little intimidating and it got quite loud last week. Not that I mind a heated debate but it seemed that it was the same two people talking and getting more and more self agitated. The mood I am in right now I would probably put my foot in it and tell them to shut the fuck up. I think I will give Tomorrows meeting a miss. As the old saying goes…”If you don’t have anything good to say…. Say Nothing!!!”
(Skip forward a few hours)
I came clean with Mum and my wife about how I am feeling. Both came up with the same idea that I should phone the MHT tomorrow morning and see what they say. Mum and I are going into town at some point tomorrow, maybe I’ll be able to get an emergency appointment with the Pdoc. I’ll deal with that in the morning. My problem still remains, how do I explain how I am feeling when I can’t explain it to myself. I KNOW how I feel but putting it into words to some one else is a totally different proposition. The closest I came to it tonight was to try and explain that “there was a fire under my skin that can’t break through”. All very Jim Morrison like but the best I could do. I just want to rip the skin off of my bones and let it out that way. I guess that’s the Self Harmer in me trying to get out. It’s a struggle not to do it, the one thing stopping me is the feeling of letting everyone down when I do it. I get such sorrowful looks that it makes me feel ten times worse.
I am going to call it a night soon and just go hide away in my dark little room alone and hope the night passes quickly. Well I can always hope…
It’s hard sometimes to keep yourself up and alive and active. Take today for example. I originally woke up at 7.30am and came down and had a smoke, and decided that I would go back to bed for a couple of hours just to get the rest of the drugs side effects out of my system. I woke up again at 11.25am and the morning was shot to shit. I crawled downstairs had another smoke whilst I waited for the Kettle to boil for the first of many cups of coffee of the day.
Next stop is the computer and I fire up iTunes and hit shuffle and let that do it’s thing and then it’s the email to see who is abusing who in the world.
I don’t eat much any more… I just don’t feel hungry most of the time so I don’t eat, simple as. I have to eat SOMETHING to take my diabetes medication so I just have a slice of toast but this morning I felt decadent so I had some jam on my toast. I felt ill after eating it.
The rest of my day consists of sitting here at the computer talking with my brother sporadically and surfing umpteen web pages and trying to guess which random choices iTunes will choose next. I ponder doing housework but that involves effort and energy, two things I seem to be lacking at the moment. I have a list of things that need to be done around here but I’ll be damned if i can muster up the enthusiasm to do them. the day is punctuated between coffee breaks and smoke breaks.
Once everyone gets home I spend a little time chatting with them about what their day has been like… they have had shitty hectic days, total polar opposite to me. They are working like dogs on a frozen tundra and we have nothing to show for it. Money is getting even tighter every day. Even pay day is going to be hard as we will see money in the bank but we won’t be able to touch it for fear of incurring more charges from the bank. It’s only going to get worse I fear.
I know times are tough for everyone right now but i never in my wildest nightmares think that it would be this bad. We are actually at the point of wondering if will will have enough money to make it through the month to buy food. We have a contingency plan of sticking up on pasta and eating pasta with salt for added flavour. Hopefully we will have this very very lean month and then we will be back on top of things again. We can only hope.
My mood as you can probably understand is pretty much at rock bottom. I am secluding myself away from the family for as much as possible, but it’s only a matter of time before that starts to piss people off too. My rationale is that If I am over here on the computer I am out of the way not doing harm to anyone else. I cut my nails off today as I felt the urge to scratch myself again. I couldn’t find any elastic bands to try and avoid the temptation that way so I distracted myself by cutting the nails off. I could probably still make a nice mess of myself but the moment passed and I am unscathed.
Well I am going to call it a night and go to bed. I am starting to get an earache so I am gonna take some lovely pain pills and I should be awake by lunchtime tomorrow.
The good news is that my voices have settled down to a dull roar these past week or so. My iPod has been my constant companion ever since I got it. I have listed to the entire Hitch Hikers Guide Trilogy in five parts over the past ten days. Things got pretty bad for a while and I ended up scratching myself raw again in three places on my arm, just in time for visits to the dentist so on one of the warmest days of the year so far I had to wear a long sleeved shirt just to cover up the mess I made of my arms. As usual once the blood stopped flowing on my arms and the lasting sting radiated from my scratches my mood improved, I had proved to myself again that I need a painful wake up call to bring me out of my funk. Not the healthiest way of beating depression and not one I would advocate to anyone.
As I have written before I do not class myself a s a classic self harmer. Maybe I am in denial about it. The way I see it is that I don’t do it very often so it’s not a compulsion thing, I do it to break a cycle… the more I think about it, maybe it is a compulsion. I know what the outcome will be. I know that my mood will lift once the scratches scab over and I get the stinging feeling every time i move my arm. I know that some kind of chemical reaction takes place that tells my brain that I CAN feel more than just plain old misery.
My mood whilst it’s been on the way up over the past few days, today I am bored as all hell and it’s having it’s effect. I am restless and listless and I am getting in the mood for doing something crazy just to break up the monotony. I have listened to my iPod ever since I got up and I must have heard 100 songs on a random shuffle mode and I have only skipped one or two because they didn’t fit the mood. It’s going to need charging soon and then I am going to have to find something else to take my mind off of things… I don’t know if I’ll cope…lol
I received a letter from the CMHT Saturday. My medication management is now due to begin on the 7th of April starting with a 1 hour getting to know you and all your bad shit history. I am taking my Mum along with me to that one. Maybe she can fill in some of the blanks that have developed over the past few years of over medication and medicine abuse my brain has been put through. Also in the envelope was a second letter from a nice lady who is running a course of Anxiety workshops that my ever so kind CPN has referred me too (sarcasm off). So far I have spoken to three different people about this anxiety management workshops and they all seem to think it’s a good idea. My only problem is that it means going out on my own and that causes me more anxiety than anything else. Not to mention having to open up in front of a bunch of strangers. I can talk for England but can I still do it in front of a bunch of strangers.
Looking back to my 20’s when I used to call myself an Actor (hahahah who would have thunk it me an Actor) I could get up on a stage and be anyone you wanted me to be with minimal notice. I played 70 year old men and I played gay hairdressers and I played several women. I couldn’t do that now if my life depended on it. For starters I could never learn a text off by heart these days. I couldn’t be as out going as i used to be for fear of being laughed at instead of with. I miss those days, I really wish that I had been able to continue when I moved from my home town to Kent but there were no decent theatre groups nearby. When I finally went to college to get a real qualification in Theatre I ended up having my first real meltdown and ended up quitting at the start of my second year. The course was demanding but the tutors had no people skills. They expected far to much and if you didn’t provide the goods you got the rough end of the stick… I didn’t miss that place in the slightest… but it still left a big hole but once my meltdown had been resolved and I started thinking a little more clearly I realised that I had left a bad place for something more stable..Real Life.
I have to have a test to see if i have COPD tomorrow. I dunno what COPD stands for i just know that it’s a fancy term for Emphysema. I called up to enquire why I had been summoned to have these tests I was told it was something to do with end of year financials or something like that… when they called me back they made out like it was something to do with the fact I have Asthma. I’ll be buggered if they are finding anything else wrong with me. I can’t handle the thought of it. Maybe that’s what’s put me in a pissy mood today knowing I have to go through that bullshit and then have to go to my second Pathways to Work meeting tomorrow. I really can’t be arsed with any of it at the m0ment, people want to much of me and it’s annoying.
Anywho that’s all I am gonna piss and moan about today. Hope everyone enjoys the rest of your Sunday and your next week ahead isn’t as busy and annoying as mine is going to be. Be Safe and Be Lucky.
To start with, I am sorry for the Status Quo reference, it’s totally unlike me, I can assure you of that. I like em but I am not what you would call an obsessive fan.
The basic fact of the matter is that I have been down for the best part of 10 days now with only brief sparks of levity. I really hate this feeling of having nothing to be happy about. Everything I do seems to lead more and more towards a funk. I have started getting pains in my chest which I have no explanation for, they just started. My head has been hurting a lot more than usual. I have been told that I spend to much time sat at the computer, which i guess is true, but if I wasn’t sat here I would just be sat in front of the TV watching another screen, except there is nothing that the rest of the family watch that particularly interests me. Sad I know but I would rather stumble than sit through another Medical reality show or see how some freak in no place Midwest America killed his wife and locked her in a car and stashed the car in a lock up for the next ten years (This was an actual show yesterday).
I guess I could be masterful and demand to watch something else, but I know that as soon as I do, I’ll get the remote and I’ll flick through 200 channels of shit and end up back on Forensic Detectives or something. I can’t win for losing.
That’s just how I fell most of the time when I have the TV remote in my hand.
I don’t know where my depression is leading me and I really don’t like the thoughts that are running through my head in preparation of the eventual bottoming out. I don’t know if I’ll get so desperate that I’ll scratch again or if this will be the time that I can’t resist suicide. I am not at that place yet but it feels close.
I can’t believe that a 15mg drop in Mirtazapine has made me feel like this. I keep telling myself that the Medication Management is going to be hard on me but if this is how I feel after such a small drop god knows how bad I am gonna feel once the take away an anti-psychotic or a mood stabilizer. My family are in for one hell of a ride. God help em.
I am not a self harmer. There you go I said it. I do however hurt myself in time of imense stress. Case in point two weeks ago I was sat at my desk at work and I had this overwhelming feeling of despair come over me. I sat there with tears filling my eyes and it started. I started scratching at my wrist to make it bleed and to feel something other than the despair and it worked. I felt something other that despair the pain took it away and the tiny drops of blood that rose to the surface were smeared down the back of my hand when I wiped it away.