Thinking Into A Brick Wall

WallThis post is an oxymoron. I know it is, yet it still exists… or at least I hope it will.

As I have mentioned over the past couple of posts I have hit a major depressive period. It has descended on me like a tonne of lead and has just hung around and not wanted to shift. I have given in and gotten myself referred back to the Community Mental Health Team, laughably its taken a month to get an appointment to be reassessed by someone there… and that is on the fast track system due to my being discharged under 18 months ago.

In the interim period I am left to my own devices. I am left to control my own demons and to try and not go any deeper into the funk that I am already in.

The reason I say that this post is an oxymoron is that I can’t write. I have so many ideas floating in my head. I have started 4 or 5 articlesand they just sit there in a folder on my desktop. I have scraps of ideas sitting in a note book. I have ponderous thoughts running in my head day and night, brilliant start off sentences for articles that have no way of getting past the first paragraph.

What’s the bloody point of opening Word when you won’t even finish the first 200 words?

Just another Brick Wall to pound my head against.

Wants And Needs 2012 – Revisited

At the start of the year I posted a list of “resolutions” that I hoped to achieve through 2012. I thought I would take a few minutes to get back to the point and see how well I did.

You can read the original post here

  • Writing More – Well, my output didn’t increase massively. I did however stretch my reach a little away from my own blogs. I contributed a couple of times to the most excellent This Week In Mentalists strand over at the The World Of Mentalists. I also joined the team over at Scribes of Metal a new Rock and Heavy Metal News and Reviews site. I have given a couple of reviews for albums this year (the new Rob Zombie Remix album and the Led Zeppelin Reunion album Celebration Day I hope to do more with both sites in the following year.
  • Reading More – I have certainly read more in the past year than I have in any year since I left college. Having said that I can’t quite recall if I have read more than 12 books. I do know I have had more than a few very late nights where I have gotten caught up in a book and not been able to put it down. The most memorable would have to be “The Heroin Diaries” by Nikki Sixx. It is a collection of diary entries from one year leading up to his choice to get himself clean. The honesty in that one book alone had a profound effect on me. He was able to show an honesty and a trust in his readership to take his story and run with it and make their lives better and more productive. I am currently half way through his follow up memoir “This Is Gonna Hurt”. Sixx once clean needed a new outlet for his creativity and he used Photography. Again another massive inspiration for me. Briefly, Brendan o’ Carroll (he of Mrs Browns Boys Fame) has had me in stitches at ungodly hours of the morning with his first two novels about Mrs Brown. They were such easy reads that I really wish that they were twice the length so I could have had more to read. I have one more to read in the series and I am saving it for a time when I am a bit down.
  • Website Theme – The website design that is in effect at the moment is the design that I set out to create. I didn’t 98% of the work myself. The other 2% came from my Brother and the guy who designed the base theme. Yes I know I wanted to create a whole theme, but I found a theme I thought looked pretty good out of the box, but I wanted a more personal stamp on it. So, I went down the route of a Child Theme. It’s the best of both worlds and I now have something to work on when I want to move forward.
  • Other Sites – My other website phurwood.co.uk is no more. I don’t know why but I went out and purchased the domain paulhurwood.com. It was a spur of the moment thing and it sat there for quite a while whilst I decided what I wanted to do with the domain. I don’t do much of anything really so it was doomed to another blog. In reality it has taken the content from every site I have ever had through the ages (with the exception of this and Spnak in it’s photographic guise). It is now a website that I plan on focusing more of my time on in 2013.
  • Other Health – I mentioned before about taking better care of myself, health wise. Well that pretty much didn’t happen. I am now eating a lot less than I was this time last year (and it wasn’t much back then). I seem to have developed an aversion to certain random foods. My sense of taste is buggering everything up. Food tastes off or not quite right. If I do manage to eat a regular meal it is a 50/50 chance that it won’t make a reappearance. My GP has no idea what could be causing the problem. The diabetes is still out of control, but I have had my injection medication changed to a once a day kind so I should be able to get the doses I need to help bring it under control.

So that’s how the last year has gone in relation to what I set out to achieve. I am not sure that there will be another resolution based post on IJAR this year. All I do know it that in 2013 I HAVE to focus on getting better and getting my life back to some kind of order. 2012 had a lot of bad points that knocked me back far to much. I am only now just getting back to a semblance of normality after the whole Insomnia and Voices issues. hope you all have a great 2013. Be safe and look out for one another

I hope you all have a great 2013. Be safe and look out for one another.

Until Next Time…

Wants And Needs

As in years past I have said that I don’t “do” resolutions at the start of the year, I think I see a flaw in that outlook.

NO Resolutions = Nothing Getting Done

So with that in mind I am going to “suggest” a few things I can look back on now and again that I would hope a more motivated me would like to have done by this time next year. Continue reading

Courage

As I travel around the madasphere I come across some immensely talented writers who along with dealing With a chronic debilitating illness they manage to write with such elegance and with such prose that it makes me wonder if I really belong to the same sphere. I came to the conclusion on Friday that the main thing needed to blog successfully is courage. You have to have the balls to give 100% of yourself and not worry about the fallout that could come from it.

I came to these conclusions by reading two blogs. Secret Diary of a Manic Depressive and Confessions of a Serial Insomniac. Both authors have over the past 24 hours laid out their souls and left the comments open for all to comment. It’s not for me to go into their stories but I do have the greatest admiration for both Seaneen and Pandora. These blogs deserve to be anyone blog feed reader and kept up to date with purely and simply for the sheer effortless way they make writing seem.

I often wonder why I can’t seem to write on that kind of level. Maybe it’s the fact that it took three years for me to attain a higher grade at English at school. Maybe it’s the drugs dulling my sense of creativity (but surely all MI suffering people would have the same problems). Maybe it’s just that I don’t think I am that good so I become a self fulfilling prophecy of my own craptitude. As I mentioned before I don’t edit very well in what ever I write, be it Blog, Tweet, Poetry or Longer form writing. I always get to the point when I try to edit that I get the feeling that what ever I have written is bad and not worthy of keeping and I end up disheartening myself and scrap the bloody lot.

I have made a concious move on this blog to restrict each post to one subject. It could mean that I have to double up on posts in a day but I need the writing practice. I need to be able to fill out what I write on one subject and not faff about flitting from one subject to another. Now, this may not work and I’ll probably end up forgetting what I just said and go back to have unsorted jumbled up posts within a month. But for now, I want to try it that way.

I hope everyone is enjoying the crappy sunny weather… roll on October I say… mind you if the Icelandic ash has anything to do with it we may have a nuclear winter type situation going on soon.

Until Next Time…